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From:	IN%"grether@wsuaix.csc.wsu.edu"  7-MAR-1994 19:17:09.43
To:	IN%"MCGEE@nic.CSU.net"
CC:	
Subj:	WhiteBoard News (3/7/94)

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From: grether@wsuaix.csc.wsu.edu (Ed Grether)
Subject: WhiteBoard News (3/7/94)
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WhiteBoard News for March 07, 1994

Darwin, Australia:

Small fish have been found flapping around in parking
lots and on roads south of Darwin after rainstorms in
Australia's desert Outback.

Beryl Morris, a zoologist with the Commonwealth
Scientific and Industrial Research Organization,
theorizes that the heavy rains trigger dry fish eggs to
suddenly hatch, and then high winds or updrafts carry
the newborns considerable distances.

"The first time it happened last week, they were
everywhere," said innkeeper Adele Liebelt.  "They're
only little fish, so the birds took them away."

Most of the young fish measured between one and two
inches in length.
==========

London, England:

Wildlife experts studying the migrating habits of
salmon equipped with an electronic tagging device were
surprised when the 8-pounder scaled a river bank and
raced across the north Wales countryside.

It landed on a poacher's kitchen table, and was still
there with three other salmon, when police arrived to
arrest Paul Williams.

Williams, 19, pleaded guilty to poaching offenses on
Friday.  He caught the salmon before the kickoff of the
fishing season.

The National Rivers Authority said it was the first
time that a poacher had been caught because he took a
fish fitted with an electronic chip used by trackers.
==========

Fast News Forum:

A British man suffering from AIDS was jailed 30 months
for robbing victims at syringe-point in what he said
was an attempt to raise money to find a cure for the
disease.

Brazilian police are hunting a thief who invited a
busload of passengers to toast his birthday with drinks
laced with drugs before robbing them as they slept.

British police believe thieves may have started using
tow trucks to steal cars after a rash of tow-truck
thefts.  One garage owner said: "What better cover
could there be?  No one questions a tow-away truck."

Youths with earrings or even nose studs pass muster in
South Haven, Michigan.  But the school drew the line
recently at pierced eyebrows.

This could be the little engine that could.  Tenor
Luciano Pavarotti christened the first engine designed
to haul trains in the English Channel tunnel between
Folkestone, England and Calais, France.  In all, there
will be 38 engines, all named after opera singers.
==========

London, England:

These are weird times.  In fact, the times are a full
3.5% weirder than they were just a year ago.

That, at least, is the conclusion of the Fortean Times,
a London-based magazine dedicated to the study of all
things bizarre.  The February/March issue of the small
journal compares thousands of zany happenings in 1992
and 1993 and declares, somewhat arbitrarily, that the
overall strangeness index has risen to 3,520 from
3,400.  Among the curiosities of 1993:

A trash bin belonging to the London borough of Lewisham
was found beside the Sea of Galilee.  Sixty lambs in
Germany were attacked and killed by hundreds of crows.
Swedish doctors cured a deaf man by removing a 47-year-
old bus ticket from his ear.

The Fortean Times Index (not to be confused with the
Financial Times Index, which has been heading the other
way) has 34 components.  Leading the index upward was
the Strange Behavior component, which includes people
who throw birds into cars waiting at stoplights and the
robber who taped two cucumbers together and pretended
he had a sawed-off shotgun.

The Hoaxes & Panics category got a boost from the
Chinese city where people were convinced that a giant
deranged robot from America was killing and sucking the
blood of people who wore red.  "People are more and
more erratic," says Robert J.M. Rickard, the editor.
"There are just such stupid extremes of behavior."

There are early signs that 1994 may be even weirder
than 1993.  Sightings of the Virgin Mary and highway
ghosts are on the rise so far.  With signs this
promising, Rickard thinks his FT Index could well
outperform the other FT Index.  For the Fortean Times,
at least, that's a bullish sign.  "I take comfort in
the fact that the world is getting weirder," Rickard
says.  "It shows that man hasn't explained away
everything yet."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net
--
Ed Grether

grether@wsuaix.csc.wsu.edu      -or-
96998239@wsuvm1.bitnet

From joeha@microsoft.com Tue Mar  8 09:37 PST 1994
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To: dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu
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Subject: RE: WhiteBoard/Fortean Times
Status: RO

You have been added to the WhiteBoard News List.  You will be
receiving the next regular broadcast.

AND MAY ALL THE GODS OF DOS PROTECT YOUR SANITY NOW!

BaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

:)

Chow
SuperChef
The Man For All Seasonings
joeha@microsoft.com


----------
From: Dr. Richard Botting  <netmail!dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu>
To:  <joeha@microsoft.com>
Subject: WhiteBoard/Fortean Times
Date: Tuesday, March 08, 1994 8:31AM


Dr. Richard Botting  <netmail!dick@blaze.csci.csusb.edu>
Ed Grether wrote:
To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

Please can I subscribe.

dick@silicon.csci.csusb.edu=rbotting@wiley.csusb.edu.
dick::="Dr. Richard John Botting".  csci::="Computer Science Department".
csusb::="California State University, San Bernardino".
We have moved to the new Jack Brown Hall.  Yipeeeeee!
"In the Heartland of California"


From joeha@microsoft.com Tue Mar  8 17:30 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 08, 1994

Tampa, Florida:

Silicone breast implants may be odd to the touch and
they may pose a long-term health threat, but they saved
the life of Dora Oberling, a 30-year-old exotic dancer.

Witnesses said Oberling was shot by her 75-year-old
boyfriend after an argument outside the Tampa club in
which she worked.  The bullet pierced her left breast,
went through her implant, and stopped just short of her
heart.

"My doctors think the implant saved me," Oberling
related from her hospital bed.  "They said if I didn't
have that I would be dead."

The biggest shock?  X-rays showed that Oberling's
implant -- shot by what police said was a 9mm caliber
handgun -- didn't rupture!
==========

Washington, District of Columbia:

A moving van spotted in the Washington area sports the
following motto: "Manly men moving manly things in a
manly way..."
==========

Munich, Germany:

The German Bundesbank used to burn as much as 1,000
tons of worn-out mark banknotes a year, but cooled its
ovens because of environmental concerns.

The central bank might turn its growing pile of
shredded currency over to wine growers for use as
fertilizer.
==========

Washington, District of Columbia:

Margaret Milner Richardson says she has discovered two
instant conversation stoppers: Her birthplace (Waco,
Texas) and her job (IRS commissioner).
==========

Yorkshire, England:

Most hearth fires are appealing because of their warmth
and beauty.  Michael Milner's is distinctive because of
its age.

As it crackles in the hearth of the Saltersgate Inn, in
Britain's Yorkshire, it looks like any fire started
yesterday.  But this flame is said to be 198 years old.
"I can't say I actually saw them start it," concedes
Milner.  But it was ablaze when he bought the inn last
summer, and elderly natives of the surrounding moors
swear they've never seen it out.

Now, controversy is raging around the old flame.

The problem is cost.  With its original fuel -- peat
from the moors -- protected by national wildlife laws,
Milner must feed it expensive coal and wood.  To keep
it stoked day and night, he says, he spends around L150
($224.44) a month.  So he believes that the Yorkshire
and Humberside Tourist Board -- whose brochures tout
the fire -- should help keep it burning.

"Can't do it," responds Julie Taylor, a Tourist Board
press officer.  If the agency fed his fire, she says,
then the railway museum night demand help buying an old
caboose.  Soon, all of the agency's 450 attractions
would want assistance.

As for the fire's inclusion in tourist brochures, she
hints that anyone not thankful for publicity could be
deprived of it.

That threat hasn't kept Milner from grousing to the
media.  Even this strategy nearly backfired, though,
when a television reporter -- eager for a ratings
splash -- threatened to douse the flame on-air.

As sort of a scorched-earth policy, Milner himself
talks of letting the flame die.  But however much that
might hurt other local businesses, he concedes it would
devastate the inn.  It sits eight miles from town, and
"the fire is what brings people out," he says.

Legend has it that the igniter of the flame stoked it
night and day to keep anyone from snooping under the
hearth, where he had buried a murder victim.  "If the
fire goes out, the legend goes, the victim's ghost will
come out and destroy the whole inn," says Milner.  Once
a pub wall collapsed after the fire was allowed to
decline to a single ember, he says.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Thu Mar 10 17:17 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 10, 1994

Cincinnati, Ohio:

A woman who faints when she hears sex-related words
passed out four times in court on Tuesday while
testifying that she had been sexually assaulted by a
man who knew of her disability.

The woman contends that the man, William Gray, 42,
uttered the word "sex" then molested her after she
fainted in the lobby of her apartment building last
April.  The 39-year-old woman, whose identity is being
withheld by the courts, suffers from a psychological
disorder called conversion hysteria, which causes her
to faint as a defense against trauma, said Heather
Russell, the prosecutor.

Gray's lawyer, Paul Tellez, said the woman could not
have known what happened while she was passed out.  But
the woman says she can still hear and feel during a
fainting spell, though she cannot move.

Gray pleaded innocent by reason of insanity to two
counts of felonious sexual penetration.
=========

Milford, New Hampshire:

Don't like the electric company?  Think you're getting
ripped off by American Express?  Try skulls and road
kill to let them know how you really feel.

That's the spirit behind Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Banknotes, a company that offers more than just idyllic
sunsets or pastel sailboats as backgrounds on checks.

Co-owner Paul Donovan, 28, describes the company's
customers as "rock and rollers, anybody with an extreme
sense of humor, people who like art."

Backgrounds offered include Edvard Munch's painting
"The Scream," scenes influenced by the Grateful Dead,
and one illustration of three voracious birds ready to
peck away at a body in the road.

Donovan and Mike Zielie, 27, found the company in 1992.
Zielie came up with the of unusual checks while
managing a Domino's Pizza in Durham, New Hampshire.

"I'd go through hundreds of checks a day, and there
wasn't an original one in the bunch," Zielie said.  "I
figured, why don't I make a check with road kill on
it?"

Zielie and Donovan found that checks need only meet
basic standards set by the Federal Reserve and the
American Bankers Association, with no rules on the
background.

Customers can also request a personalized message above
the signature line.  One client reserved the space for
a snarling "And not a penny more!"
==========

Longview, Washington:

Roger Gammel was out hunting a few days ago on
Weyerhaeuser land near Pe Ell with a friend and dogs.
Their quarry: a bobcat.  They flushed one and it sought
refuge in a hemlock tree.

So Gammel, 62, climbed 40 feet up and fired his .22
caliber pistol to scare it down.  The cat scrambled
down, bit his left arm and bumped his right hand
gripping the gun.  The gun fired.  The bullet went not
into the cat but into Gammel's arm.  The dogs killed
the cat.

Gammel climbed down and drove his pickup 40 miles
southeast into Vader for a cup of coffee.  By then the
bleeding had stopped, but patrons at Brook's Nook asked
what happened.

"I just told them a bobcat shot me," Gammel said
yesterday.  "I just wonder when they're going to make
the bobcats register their guns."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Mon Mar 14 18:07 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 14, 1994

==========

Fast News Forum:

A highly dangerous prisoner on the lam in Britain asked
a policeman for directions when his taxi driver lost
his way.

A man was sentenced in a Boston courtroom to a year and
a half in prison plus three years' supervised release
for giving a fake name on a passport application.  His
true identity remained a mystery.

In another Boston courtroom, a bookkeeper who embezzled
from a car dealership to repay what she stole from a
construction company drew 27 months in prison.

The casting director of the "Arsenio Hall Show" was
fired after three actors filed a lawsuit claiming he
fondled their buttocks during an audition for a skit
called "Buttmaster."

A fraternity at Keene State College in New Hampshire
threw a party and served milk and cookies -- no
alcohol.  The college administration was so delighted
it picked up the tab.

A Bangladeshi cook won the international Indian Chef of
the Year title in Edinburgh, Scotland, recently, then
reported to authorities to be deported.

An Elvis impersonator who ran for justice of the peace
in Texas came in fourth which reportedly left him all
shook up.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Tue Mar 15 17:18 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 15, 1994

This item comes from Gary Stephens:

Tokyo, Japan :

"What is all this fuss? It is a beautiful name for a
baby," Yasuhiro Tanoka told reporters gathered outside
the Tokyo Family Court. "This country is ruled by
fascists. I intend to appeal."

Tanoka was speaking about the Akishima municipal
government's objection to his choice of name for his
son. "The name - Little Flower Plucked From Hairy
Bottom - came to me in a dream, so I went to the town
hall to enter it in the family register. At first the
official wrote it down but, after consulting with a
superior, he came back, crossed it out, and said that
it was rude and if I didn't choose a name that
conformed to social norms he'd call the police."

Tanoka took his case to the Tokyo Family Court, who
initially ruled in his favour. "They said I'd abused my
naming rights but, since the name had been written in
the register, it shouldn't have been crossed out again.
When the municipal government still refused to register
the name, I offered to change it to Akuma (Devil Child)
instead, so as not to cause offense, but they threw me
out of the building and appealed to the Family Court,
who now say I have to call him something else. So
that's what I'm going to call him - Something Else.
That will teach them. I shall not be mocked."
==========

Bruce Cronquist

Everett, Washington:

A special toilet seat, equipped with a snubber that
lets the seat float silently into a closed position,
has been developed for The Boeing Co.'s new 777
jetliner as a result of customer complaints.

"It was a case of All Nippon Airways of Japan listening
when its first-class passengers complain that they
didn't like to hear toilet seats being dropped in
nearby lavatories during flights," said Owen Sakima,
manager of 777 payload systems engineering.
=========

Vancouver, British Columbia:

Alaskan fisherman David Kelly says he was able to
survive two frigid nights after being shipwrecked on a
beach because his 9-year-old German shepherd, Sabre,
led him to some hot springs.

Kelly, 31, of Wrangall and the dog were rescued
Saturday after being found on an isolated inlet about
350 miles northwest of Vancouver.

Kelly's ordeal began Thursday when his 31-foot boat
broke down.  He was unable to fix the motor and drifted
into Bishops Bay in Douglas Channel.   The hull was
damaged, the boat took on water and Kelly jumped
overboard wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt.  Sabre
followed.

Once ashore, he stumbled into the woods through snow
and ice until the dog led him to hot springs with water
about 102 degrees Fahrenheit.
==========

Spokane, Washington:

When Kato's owner paused on the T.J. Meenach Bridge to
watch a bald eagle, the 4-year-old retriever jumped
off.

It wasn't the best move.  It was a 50-foot drop, and
Kato's owner was still holding onto the leash.

The woman tried to haul Kato back up.  But his choke
collar was strangling him, so she let it go and watched
her pet drop into the Spokane River.

Luckily, the dog landed in the water and made it to an
island in the middle of the river.  Kato wasn't hurt
and was resting comfortably by the time rescue crews
made an uneventful rescue.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Wed Mar 16 18:47 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 16, 1994

==========

San Diego, California:

The 106th element in the periodic table has been named
"seaborgium" in honor of Nobel laureate Glenn T.
Seaborg, a University of California chemistry
professor.

Seaborg is the co-discoverer of plutonium and nine
other transuranium elements, which come after uranium
on the periodic table and are artificially created in
particle accelerators.
==========

Portland, Oregon:

A Salem mortuary van containing two bodies destined for
cremation here was stolen yesterday from a funeral
parlor's parking lot.

"I don't think they stole it for the bodies," said
Cliff Neilsen of Portland Memorial Mortuary.

The bodies, which were to be cremated today and whom
Neilsen declined to identify, were in cardboard boxes.
==========

Daytona Beach, Florida:

This is a story about bikers, coleslaw wrestling and a
man who wants to be the biker's lawyer, John Rue.

Rue, who lives near Daytona Beach, had a brainstorm
years ago: While the world was full of motorcycle
riders, none of them seemed to realize they might
deserve compensation for personal injuries suffered
while riding.

But how could Rue, Bush & Ziffra go after these
underserved clients?  "It's hard to get their names,"
Rue says.  "Some of them are crazy."

That's where the coleslaw wrestling came in.  Bike
Week, Rue's brainstorm personified, is held annually in
Daytona Beach.  Cruising among bikers from all over the
U.S. -- as he has for the past several years -- was
Rue, riding his own hog (a 91FXR Harley Sportster),
passing out brochures stamped "All Injuries are
Personal" and wearing a black T-shirt with his firm's
name on the back.

"I don't put on office clothes," he says.  "The bikers
that don't know me would probably think I was a cop."

Rue also oversaw Bike Week events co-sponsored by his
firm, including a coleslaw-wrestling context involving
scantily clad women, a wet T-shirt contest and a
Japanese "motorcycle drop" at a popular biker bar.  At
the drop, Japanese-made bikes that had been drained of
oil were hoisted up by a crane and allowed to run until
their engines seized up and exploded.  Then the bikes
were dropped to the ground.

The annual get-together has been lucrative for Rue.  In
general, about 20% of his cases now involve bikers.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Thu Mar 17 17:16 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 17, 1994

This item comes from Robert and Dondi Adams:

Lakewood, Colorado:

After a month-long investigation, police in Lakewood
announced that the 100-plus bullet firings that had
frightened neighbors into believing that gangs were
engaged in drive-by shootings in the area were actually
caused by the poor aim of employees at the nearby
federal prison facility firing range.

According to a prison spokesman, all employees,
including clerical personnel, must be trained in
firearms, and some apparently missed not only the
targets but the large hill that separates the range
from the complaining neighborhood.
==========

Hollywood, California:

"According to my mom, I'm such a big shot that she's
threatening to have her uterus bronzed."

Steven Spielberg, filmmaker, at a recent tribute to
him.

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for March 18, 1994

This item comes from Ron Neely:

Birmingham, Michigan:

Is there a cure for chocaholics?  Now a new product
called the Chocolate Patch, a novelty item is available
to all "chocaholics."

The Chocolate Patch, a takeoff on the popular nicotine
patches for smokers, is cleverly packaged with
"transdermal systems" (real chocolate and adhesive
strips).  The product also contains a few helpful tips
about when to take extra "doses" to handle those common
stressful situations such as job interviews, PMS, tax
audits ... just to name a few.

A "warning" label on this novelty product states that
serious chocaholics should consume the chocolate and
apply the adhesive strips to their mouths to prevent
further chocolate abuse.

Surrounded at home and a work by cranky smokers on the
nicotine patch, Roberta Urbani, a self-described
chocaholic, was inspired to create The Chocolate Patch.
"A lot of people have quit smoking, including me," she
says.  "But I don't know of anyone who has quit eating
chocolate.  This is a way to get a laugh out of one of
our innocent vices, and to help people as well."

A portion of the profits will be donated to the Hunger
Action Coalition.
==========

This item comes from Mike Swift:

Santiago, Chile:

The Wall Street Journal reported that Jan Pablo Davila
lost at least $207 million of Codelco, a state-owned
Chilean company by typing the wrong financial transaction
into his computer. He typed "buy" when he says he meant
to type "sell".

Now, all of Chile is obsessed with the mistake that
cost 0.5% of Chile's GNP and the new word "davilar" is
a verb that is "...loosely translated as 'to botch
things up miserably.'"
===========

Springfield, Oregon:

When Springfield resident Vera Cox visited Oregon Sate
Lottery headquarters several weeks ago to collect a
prize for matching five of six numbers in a Megabucks
drawing, she told lottery officials, "I'll be back!"

Monday, Vera Cox, 60, did return to the lottery office
with the only ticket that matched all six numbers in
the Saturday Megabucks drawing.

Because Vera Cox choose to take the full amount, she
secured $2,375,000 of the jackpot amount of $4,000,000.
==========

Cape Canaveral, Florida:

Astronauts on one of the longest flights in space
shuttle history conceded Thursday it was time to return
to Earth -- even if it meant landing 57 minutes shy of
an endurance record.

"Our commander just discovered we're out of tortillas,
so it must be time to come home," astronaut Pierre
Thuot reported.

Columbia was due to touch down on the Kennedy Space
Center runway 13 days, 23 hours and 16 minutes after
blasting off March 4 just a few miles away.  That's 57
minutes shy of the longest shuttle flight to date, also
by Columbia, last fall.

An extra orbit -- which takes about 90 minutes -- would
give this mission the endurance record.  But that  hope
faded as meteorologists forecast good weather for
Friday's landing at Kennedy.
==========

Florence, Italy:

"Then she smiled," Bernice Richmond wrote.

"She did not have to smile.  She did not have to lick
her lips with that tongue, the kind that would not
quit.  What was she trying to do?  Was this her way of
being coy at 1 a.m., or was there a poppy seed caught
in her teeth?"

Sound bad?  You bet.  Richmond became the first woman
winner of the annual International Imitation Hemingway
Competition.

Richmond, who owns a greeting-card company in
Westfield, New Jersey, said she used "divergent
thinking" to mimic America's paragon of masculinity and
compose a pithy passage titled "Here's To You."

The rules for the contest are simple:  Send one really
good page of really bad Hemingway.  Be funny.  Be
Ernest.

"God only knew," Richmond's entry continued.  "if there
was a God.  And if there was a God and He knew, He was
not talking.  And even if He did know and was talking,
no one would have been listening.  Not here.  Not now."

"Short and sweet and wonderfully clever," said author
Ray Bradbury, one of the panel of judges that included
Hemingway's son, Jack Hemingway, and novelists John
Grisham, Willie Morris and Barry Hannah.

When she's not writing testosterone-pumped pastiche,
Richmond writes novels and sketches "demented
drawings."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Wed Mar 23 17:45 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 23, 1994

This item comes from Jan-Paul Koren:

Madrid, Spain:

An advertisement campaign by the Italian carmaker Fiat
that involved sending anonymous love letters to young
women has caused an uproar in Spain.

The firm sent out some 50,000 letters addressed
personally to each recipient and written on pink paper.
The writer smothers each woman with compliments and
invites her to indulge in a "little adventure" after
"we met again on the street yesterday and I noticed how
you glanced interestingly in my direction."

The puzzle of the writer's identity is solved within
four to six days in another letter, where the author is
revealed as the new Fiat "Cinquecento."

The newspaper El Pais reported that several women had
felt threatened by the letter and locked themselves in
their apartments, believing they were being stalked by
a psychopath. Others insisted on going out only in male
company.  The newspaper El Mundo said the ad campaign
had even unleashed jealous scenes among married
couples. The letters, which were not handwritten but
typed, contained some information only readily
available to the receivers' acquaintances.

Fiat stopped the campaign and apologized after protests
from Social Minister Cristina Alberdi and consumer
protection groups.  "We thought it was a fun campaign
aimed at the independent, modern working woman," said a
Fiat spokesman ruefully.
==========

This item comes from Ed Grether:

New York, New York:

New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani used some
technical sleight of hand to win $41 million in budget
cuts from the Board of Education.

Here's what happened:  The Board of Education, an
independent agency only partially funded by city taxes,
uses the same computer as city agencies.  Using a
simple software subroutine, the Board's funds were
shifted into an account controlled by the mayor.  The
agency, however, wasn't notified of the funds transfer
and only learned it had been done when the system
rejected attempts to access the funds.

The mayor was advised he couldn't legally do that, but
funds were not restored until the agency agreed to cut
its spending.
=========

Edinburgh, Scotland:

Did tipsy pharaohs argue over "tastes great, less
filling" in ancient Egypt?

British archaeologists and brewers said Tuesday they are
about to find out -- by duplicating a 4,000-year-old
beer recipe.

Name: "Tutankhamun's tipple," after the boy-king whose
stepmother, Queen Nefertiti, is believed to have
ordered the building of the brewery at Armana, 200
miles south of Cairo.

Cambridge University's Barry Kemp says he has uncovered
"room after room of ovens forming a combined
bakery/brewery of factory proportions."

Brewers Scottish & Newcastle, who have sponsored digs
at the ancient brewery, say they hope to have the brew
done by next month.

Excavations by Britain's Egypt Exploration Society show
the brewing process has changed little.

But today's drinkers will find Tut's tipple different.

It includes palm dates and olives, says Scottish &
Newcastle's Jim Merrington.

As old as the Egyptian recipe is, it isn't the first:
beer drinking predates even the cradle of civilization
in Mesopotamia 5,500 years ago, evidence indicates.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Fri Mar 25 17:55 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 25, 1994

This item comes from Peter Henriksen:

El Paso, Texas:

Sassy, the 2-ton elephant, queen of the Spalding
Brothers Tent Circus, suffered a bout with gas that
nearly killed her trainer, and blasted several holes in
the striped tent where she was practicing her prancing.

Now dubbed Sassy the Gassy Pachyderm, the 14-year-old
beast snorted approximately 15 gallons of red-hot
Tex-Mex chili cooking outside the tent for a Rotary
fund raiser.

Sassy developed a taste for chili as a mere 500-pound
babe when she lived with a herd of cows near El Paso,
Texas.  The rancher held regular cook-outs, and let
Sassy lick the Chili pot after the guests had gone.

"The hotter the better," recalls rancher Antonio
Guayabera.  "She'd poke her little fuzzy trunk in there
and slurp 'til it was clean as a whistle.

"I'd notice the next day, though, the cows would stick
to one end of the field and Sassy would be all by
herself at the other.

"I always thought someone was burning garbage, but I
finally realized it was Sassy and cut off her bean
supply.  It was making the cows' milk sour."

Antonio, who got the baby elephant as a gag gift from
an oilman friend of his, sold Sassy to the circus and
trainer Fritz Hildebrand made her queen of the center
ring.

"I discovered the first month I had Sassy that she loved
chili, but it didn't love her," says Fritz.  "We had to
keep the roustabouts with their open cook- stoves away,
because she would smell those beans simmering and start
hooting and hollering to get it.

"We only let her have her way once," Fritz says,
shaking his head.  "We had to walk her a mile away and
leave her penned there a whole day."

Human memories dim, but elephants never forget, and
with chili pots bubbling it was just a matter of time
before Sassy slipped her trunk through a hole in the
tent and started gobbling.

"I knew I had to get her out of there - and fast," says
Fritz from his hospital bed.  "But I wasn't fast enough.
As I led her away, the gas attack started.  I should
have known better than to stand too close, but the first
blast blew me right through the tent and into a trailer
parked outside."

Fritz suffered 15 broken bones, including one arm, one
leg, his collarbone, several ribs and fingers.
Subsequent blasts ripped through the big top before
Sassy was banished to a distant field.

"I know she feels bad," concludes the forgiving
trainer.  "Sassy's a chiliholic, and she just can't
help herself."
==========

London, England:

A British mother of three was crowned the winner
Thursday of the world's first 24-hour novel-writing
contest for her on-the-spot manuscript about a gruesome
murder in a suburban London church.

Maggie Hamand, 40, competed against 29 other aspiring
scribes who pitted word processors against writer's
block in a contest held 10 days ago in a London
literary club.

"This is my 15 minutes of fame, and I'm going to enjoy
every minute of it," Hamand said.
==========

"Al Gore is so boring his Secret Service code name is
'Al Gore.'"

Vice President Al Gore at the Gridiron dinner.
==========

Spokane, Washington:

A man who ignited, then chewed a $100 bill after a
cabby told him it looked suspicious has been arraigned
on one counterfeiting charge and could face others
after a federal grand jury looks at the case.

Karl Valentin Beaty of Spokane had 95 bogus $100 bills
on him when he was arrested January 18 after the
altercation with a cabby.

Police who arrested Beaty found 95 color photocopies of
$100 notes on him.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for March 28, 1994

These Fast News Forum items come from Bruce Cronquist:

Fast News Forum:

A Chipley, Florida, women was arrested on suspicion of
stealing floral arrangements from graves and selling
them at yard sales.

An Argentine congressman wants the government to make
October 3 national Lice Day to rally all citizens to
combat the pests.

Airline flights in Madang, Papua New Guinea, were
rescheduled to avoid collisions with huge flocks of
bats migrating at night.

A British woman enraged at revelations of her husband's
adultery poured melted wax on his genitals while he
slept.

Workers at an English zoo were banned from wearing
strong perfume or aftershave to avoid arousing some of
the animals.

An artist and 200 volunteers created a two-mile-long
sand sculpture of 21,000 34-C breasts on a California
beach

A pregnant women told a 911 operator in Morgantown,
West Virginia, her water had broken.  He thought she
was having a plumbing problem and asked whether she
knew where the shut-off valve was.
==========

Charleston, West Virginia:

A mugger forced a victim to write him a check and got
caught the next day when he tried to cash it, police
said.

Richard Allen Gallogly, 22, was charged with aggravated
robbery.

James Hylton told police he was walking on the street
Wednesday night when a man approached with a knife and
demanded money.  Hylton said he gave the man $12.50 in
cash, but the man was not satisfied and had him write a
$300 check.
==========

Komaki, Japan:

A Japanese shrine is angry at news reports describing
its 1,200-year-old fertility rite, a street parade of
dozens of huge phallic symbols, as a sex festival, a
priest said Friday.

"We are absolutely disgusted with some of the reports,"
said the priest at the Tagata Shinto Shrine in Komaki,
near Nagoya in central Japan.  "This rite has nothing
to do with sex for pleasure.  It is a solemn ceremony
to pray for a good harvest and fertility."

To make matters worse, he said, a similar fertility
rite -- featuring a parade of vulval symbols -- takes
place on a preceding Sunday each year at an animist
shrine nearby.

This had led to the mistaken belief that the two kinds
of symbols are secretly united in a mysterious
fornication rite.

The priest said the 1,200-year-old festival, held every
March 15, is featured in a Taiwanese video of the
world's most exotic sex rituals.

This year, 80,000 tourists jammed the narrow streets
around the Tagata shrine to watch 40 men parade the
huge wooden phalluses.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
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microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for March 30, 1994

This item comes from Eric Pivnik:

Napa, California:

When Kenneth McDaniel let police peer into a neighbor's
yard from his deck, he apparently forgot what he was
growing in his own backyard.  The memory lapse landed
him in jail.

Police came to McDaniel's house to look into the yard
of a neighbor suspected of stealing a bicycle.
Officers did not find the bike but arrested McDaniel on
charges of cultivation and possession of marijuana.
=========

West Lafayette, Indiana:

Mr. Coffee, it's not.

A tabletop-size contraption fitted with a fake
television screen, electronic controls and mechanical
switches, it can brew a cup of coffee -- complete with
milk and sugar -- in less than five minutes.

The java was reportedly on the weak side, but the
coffeemaker won the National Rube Goldberg Machine
Contest for a team from New York's Hofstra University
last weekend.

This year, the contest at Indiana's Purdue University
required entrants to design a machine that could make a
drinkable cup of coffee in the most inefficient,
impractical way possible -- honoring Rube Goldberg, the
cartoonist who drew machines with complex mechanisms to
perform simple tasks.

The winning contraption was based on the television
show "Gilligan's Island," suggested by a team member's
wife who remembered the Professor's inventions.

It is really a rotating table that depicts four scenes
through a mock television screen.  To begin, a team
member activates a remote control that brings up a
curtain in front of the screen.  A toy S.S. Minnow
crashes on the island, hitting a switch that activates
a motorized fishing reel that hauls in a box of coffee.
The last scene depicts the Professor with a bicycle-
powered conveyor belt that dumps coffee and sugar into
a filter, which is then filled with boiling water.

Finally, coffee is handed to the viewer through the
television screen by a motorized arm.

Said a team spokesman Nick Croce:  "At one point we
were going to have Mary Ann eaten by a giant clam ...
but that got thrown out."
==========

Hollywood, California:

Joan River's new home-shopping show -- "Can We Shop" --
is off and running, and Inside Media, an industry
newsletter, recaps a broadcast highlight:

"There, on the screen, a man was extolling the virtues
of a revolutionary new toilet-bowl cleaner.  Not any
toilet-bowl cleaner, but America's first chemical-free,
bacterial-killing, mildew-destroying, dog- and child-
safe, environmentally approved, amazingly effective,
five-year-or-50,000-flushes toilet cleaner.

"A toilet-bowl cleaner that was so astounding, in fact
that, right there on TV, with no trick camera work
whatsoever, a man was about to drink a glassful of
toilet water spooned out of the toilet for him by Joan
Rivers.  He gulped it down."

Sales of the product rocketed.  According to the
product's distributor, Impex Systems Group, the one-
time gulping ploy sold 5,100 units of this $19.95
product, close to $102,000 worth.

"It was one of the most successful items yet pitched,"
says Inside Media.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Thu Mar 31 18:25 PST 1994
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WhiteBoard News for March 31, 1994

Hollywood, California:

The Barry Levinson movie, "Jimmy Hollywood," is the
story of a struggling actor who buys advertisements on
bus benches with his picture and phone number.  Turns
out there's a real-life counterpart, Steven Paul
Mozena.

Mozena, 33, is looking for his big break.  He's bought
a series of ads on Los Angeles bus benches that bear
his picture and the copy, "The Look!  The Talent!  The
Ability!  For your next production cast actor Steve
Mozena."

Mozena has bought 24 benches, strategically located in
front of major movie studios, along with some
"floaters."  The cost for the bench ads works out to
about $10,000 a year.  "It's not an expensive
investment," Mozena said.  "This field takes a lot of
dedication, a lot of drive and a lot of money.  In
order to rise above the crowd, you have to think of
something different."
==========

New York, New York:

In the Christian world, Easter Sunday falls on April 3
this year.  But if you happen to have a wall calendar
from the Jesuit Seminary and Mission Bureau, it also
falls on April 10.

Confused?  There's more.  President's Day is down for
the 14th of February, which led one of the 25,000
recipients to take a long weekend in Florida a week
ahead of time.

And then there was the matter of those two extra days
the calendar included in February, the 29th and the
30th.  So, too, the one extra day in April, the 31st.

How could the Jesuits, the Roman Catholic order of
priests known for their scholastic acumen, be so far
off base?  Some may have suspected the dual Easters to
be a Jesuitical plot to boost church attendance.

Actually, it was the work of a printer's devil who was
given proofed copy.  Father John Ryan, S.J., director
of the Manhattan-based Mission Bureau, isn't saying
who.  In a letter correcting the errors, he poked fun
at himself and asked for continued support for the work
of the Mission Bureau.  The order's 23,466 priests,
scholars and brothers serve in 122 countries.

One reply told Father Ryan not to feel bad because he
still "got St. Patrick's Day correct."  Another said
the goofs showed "We're all human -- even occasionally
the S.J.'s (Society of Jesus)."  And, catching the
irony of adding days to the year, a writer said, "Even
Pope Gregory would have laughed."  Pope Gregory XIII
had reformed the calendar in 1582 by trimming 10 days
to match the true length of the solar year.

At least Father Ryan isn't alone.  American Express
Company's pocket diaries this year had four of nine
Jewish holidays, including Passover and Hanukkah, off
by a day.  The company sent out an errata memo last
month to card holders and employees who had purchased
the date books.

And then there was the correction in the Canadian
Jesuit Mission newsletter, noted last year by the New
Yorker magazine.  It said, "Fr. J.P. Horrigan, S.J.,
the executive director of the Canadian Jesuit Missions,
did not travel to India in March with the American
singer Rosemary Clooney.  He went with Gerry Cooney, of
the Montreal Consulting Group, Universalia."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From joeha@microsoft.com Mon Apr  4 18:05 PDT 1994
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Status: RO

WhiteBoard News for April 04, 1994

This item comes from Phil Corless:

Yellowstone National Park:

The boat is called the Little Dipper, but you'd be a fool
to dip even your little toe in the waters where this
vessel ventures. The 4-by-8-foot boat is Yellowstone
National Park's first thermal-pool watercraft.

In trial runs last summer, park staff took the Little
Dipper for a spin in geothermal pools whose surface
water reaches 160 degrees Fahrenheit.  Shaped much like
a common fishing boat but specially constructed to
withstand extreme temperatures, the craft is used to
reach vandalized pools for cleanup as well as for study
of the park's famous geothermal features.  The best
thing about the boat is that it's constructed so that
it's impossible to capsize anyone into the potentially
lethal waters.
==========

This item comes from Joern Wettern:

Moscow, Russia:

Last week's fatal Aeroflot crash over Siberia may have
been caused by the pilot's son sitting at the controls
and knocking off the autopilot, sending the plane into
a dive, according to a preliminary analysis of the
crash reported Saturday.

Russian media, including the government newspaper
Rossiiskaya Gazeta, said the black box flight recorders
being examined by analysts in Paris indicated that a
child was at the controls of the A-310 Airbus when it
went out of control.

"A-310 driven by a child?" said the Rossiiskaya Gazeta
headline over a story blaming the crew for the tragedy
by allowing the son of one of the pilots into the
cockpit "to play with the autopilot."

Other reports said the black box voice recorder
confirmed the presence of non-crew in the cockpit,
including children. Analysts also are studying a data
recorder.

The Moscow Times, citing unnamed aviation sources,
reported that the 15-year-old son of the plane's
captain was allowed to sit at the controls,
inadvertently knocked off the autopilot and fell into
the control column, sending the plane into a steep
nosedive, while the crew members standing behind the
boy were knocked off their feet and never managed to
get control of the plane after that in the few minutes
it took to fall out of the sky.

Officials in Moscow said they were aware of the
scenario emerging from the Paris analysis and reported
in Moscow media but noted that the crash was still
under investigation and that it was too early to draw
conclusions.

The plane, one of five Airbuses in the Aeroflot fleet
and the Russian airline's newest plane, was flying at a
cruising altitude of 33,000 feet (10,000 meters) when
it suddenly plunged to Earth over Siberia less than
half way from Moscow to Hong Kong.

Komsomolkaya Pravda, in its story laying blame on a
father showing his son how to fly the jetliner, quoted
a Russian member of the investigation team in France as
ruling out terrorism.

The plane carried 63 passengers and 12 crew members.
There were two dozen foreigners on the flight. The
Moscow Times said that since the flight was underbooked,
Aeroflot allowed 30 of its personnel and their families
to take a trip to Hong Kong, including eight Aeroflot
pilots.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 05, 1994

Colchester, England:

A passenger survived a 3,000-foot fall with minor
injuries after a faulty ejector seat catapulted him
from a small jet while it was flying upside down at 240
MPH.

Des Moloney, 28, got his damaged parachute partly open
and made a rough landing on grass near a supermarket in
Colchester, Essex, about 45 miles northeast of London.

"It feels great to be alive," he said Monday before he
walked out of Colchester General Hospital.  He was
treated for minor injuries and his neck was in a brace.

"I knew I was in big trouble because I was not in the
airplane, which was a bit of a shock,"  Moloney, who
had never parachuted before, said of his fall.

His brother Tom, 31, pilot and owner of the two-seat
Provost jet trainer, said he was doing an upside-down
victory roll Sunday afternoon when Des "went crashing
through the canopy glass."

Tom Moloney radioed an emergency call and flew over
where his brother left the plane, but saw no parachute.
"The return flight to the airfield was horrific -- the
worst 15 minutes of my life.  I thought Des was a
goner."

Tom said his brother was saved from being cut or
blacking out because the visor on his helmet was down,
he knew the right procedures, and he did not panic.
==========

New York, New York:

Calling all slobs.

Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but it won't win
you the "Messiest Office in America" contest.

Publisher HarperBusiness is inviting slobs around the
nation to write an essay describing why their office is
the messiest.  Photos are recommended but optional.

The winner receives new office furniture and gets his
or her desk, plus the desks or work stations of four
colleagues, cleaned and reorganized by Jeffrey Mayer,
author of "Winning the Fight Between You and Your
Desk," which HarperBusiness publishes.
==========

Spokane, Washington:

A man who was hurt when the motorized wheelchair he was
driving struck a car head-on could be charged with
drunken driving.

The 29-year-old Spokane man was driving his wheelchair
south in a northbound lane Saturday night when he
collided with a car and suffered a broken leg.
==========

Charleston Kings, England:

When night descends in a warm spring mist, Sandra and
Tony Jeans sense love and danger in the air.

They march with buckets and flashlights out to the busy
A40 highway.  Their mission: to rescue toads from the
perils of desire.

Each spring the Jeanses -- and hundreds of other
volunteer patrollers across Britain -- carry amorous
toads who are in the besotted throes of an annual
mating migration across dangerous roads, so the toads
are not flattened by passing vehicles.

"OK, it's not the prettiest of things, and it's always
been cast in the bad role in the fairy stories -- and,
of course, there are particular toad species which if
you touch the skin, you hallucinate," said Sandra
Jeans, a business consultant.  "But they have as much
right to be here as we have."

And as much right to fall in love, toad patrollers
contend.

The difficulty is that each year from March until May,
thousands of mature common toads -- their Latin species
name is Bufo bufo -- return at night to spawn at the
ponds or watercourses where they were born.  This means
the toads must cross busy highways before they can roll
with each other in the muck.  After dusk, the toad
mating march often ends in sudden death.

"You get the whole road covered in them," said Les
Stocker, founder of the St. Tiggywinkles Wildlife
Hospital and one of Britain's original toad patrollers.
"It becomes impossible to drive along and not squash a
few."

The toads seem to have little awareness that their
desire to mate puts them in jeopardy.

"The poor males come down first and tend to hang around
in the middle of the road for the females, which is a
disaster," said Sandra Jeans.  A female then waddles
along, loaded down with eggs.  As many as half a dozen
males promptly jump on top of her and "the poor female
has to carry these males on her back," she said.

Toad patrollers gather toads in buckets, halt traffic
with flashlights and then ferry the creatures safely
across.

Wounded toads with broken or severed limbs are rushed
by volunteers to wildlife rescue centers such as St.
Tiggywinkles, a complex in Buckinghamshire equipped
with a triage veterinary nurse, a sterile operating
theater, incubators and post-operative recovery rooms.

At St. Tiggywinkles, self-taught wildlife rescuer
Stocker straps a tiny mask over the wounded toad's
nose, puts it to sleep with gas and then attempts to
repair its injuries, mainly with stitches.

Once recovered, the toads are taken back to the ponds
and re-introduced into what many hope will be a good,
reproductive life.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 07, 1994

The following two items come from Ed Grether:

New York, New York:

A planned 24-hour cable service called the Classic
Sports Network will show great sports events from the
past, going back to 1896.

To quote Yogi Berra, it sounds to us like deja-vu all
over again.

The network will be funded by Liberty Media, AT&T, and
Allen & Co.
==========

New York, New York:

Yes, TBWA Advertising is selling a $30 diskette that
consists mainly of multimedia ads for Absolut Vodka and
that includes paintings of Absolut Vodka bottles by
Andy Warhol and other artists.

The program should be of interest to multimedia lovers,
art lovers, and vodka lovers.
==========

Ypsilanti, Michigan:

Geoffrey Rose had no declared opposition for re-
election to the Ypsilanti City Council.

He lost anyway, to an 18-year-old he thought was
working for his campaign.

Frank Houston, an Easter Michigan University freshman,
collected 32 write-in votes in Monday's general
election.  Rose got 16.

"I am dumbfounded, to put it mildly," Rose said.  "This
guy was on my campaign staff.  I gave (Houston) a copy
of my list of registered voters last week and he said,
'I am going to help you identify voters for your
election.'

"I'm guess I'm too trusting."

Houston defended his winning tactics.

"All I would tell was that I would get the people to
vote," he said.  He said he never told Rose which
candidate he would promote.

Houston said Rose, whose ward includes Eastern Michigan
University, approached him several times seeking his
volunteer help because Houston is a member of the
student Senate.  Houston said he eventually decided to
run because he thought Rose was inadequately
representing students.

"I couldn't come out and tell him I was going to run
against him.  I thought he had figured it out," said
Houston.  He is considering majoring in political
science.

Rose gave a different scenario, saying Houston
approached him, volunteering to help identify voters
for his campaign.

Houston and other newly elected council members will be
sworn in Monday.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 11, 1994

Vilnius, Lithuania:

Lithuania's old money, replaced last year by a new
currency, has been put back into circulation, this time
as toilet paper.

In 1992 the former Soviet republic introduced a
temporary currency called the Talonas.  They were also
known as zoo tickets because they bore pictures of
animals.

Now, the government is emptying bank vaults of 30 tons
of worthless Talonas notes and sending them to the
Grigikes Paper Factory in Vilnius for conversion into
toilet paper.
==========

Everett, Washington:

At the very least, police say, Robert Langstead makes
an effort to comfort victims while allegedly pointing a
gun in their faces.

"Don't worry, I'm as nervous as you are," the 43-year-
old, 17-time felon reportedly assures young women who
mind the cash registers at beauty salons and doughnut
shops.

Langstead was arraigned on nine counts of first-degree
robbery.  Last month, he pleaded guilty to robbing a
hair salon in North Seattle.
==========

Los Angeles, California:

A surgeon was charged with negligence and incompetence
for allegedly putting a sandbag on the foot pedal of a
cutting tool to keep the blade turning in a patient's
spine while he left the operating room.

Dr. Fereydoune Shirazi went out for 11 minutes to make
a phone call and use the bathroom, the Medical Board of
California said.

Shirazi, 55, said that he forgot to turn off the tool
during the 1990 operation but that the 30-year-old
patient was in no danger because the device can cut
away only degenerated spinal disc tissue, not healthy
tissue.

The doctor could lose his license if an administrative
judge upholds the board's charges.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 12, 1994

This item comes from Jeff Gross:

Fort Wayne, Indiana:

An exotic dancer's surgically enlarged breasts are
business assets that can be depreciated, a U.S. Tax
Court judge says.

Cynthia Hess of Fort Wayne -- who performs as "Chesty
Love" -- had implants that enlarged her bust to 56FF
and claimed a $2,088 deduction for depreciation in
1988.  The IRS rejected the deduction, saying expenses
to enhance appearance, while useful for business, are
so inherently personal they can't be deducted.

But Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate says in last
month's ruling that the deduction was odd, but legal:

Hess' weekly income soared from $750 to $3,000 after
the implants -- showing their business value.

The implants made Hess' breasts so large -- about 10
pounds each -- that she couldn't derive personal
benefit from them.

"They were so large that they ruined her personal
appearance, her health and imposed severe stress
on....relationships," Pate writes.

The IRS was unavailable for comment.
==========

This item comes from Bruce Cronquist:

Seattle, Washington:

Phil Rossignol's smoke alarm worked.  The battery
powered detector sent out a piercing alarm the other
day, even though Phil had seen no smoke.

He decided to check it out.

"I took the cover off, and flames were coming out of
it," said Phil.  "I called the fire department and they
came over.  They thought it was ironic, too."

The source of the fire was a tiny electronic component
inside the detector.

"We've got a Polaroid of it," said firefighter Tom
O'Conner.  "We weren't sure anybody was going to
believe us when we got back."
==========

Nicosia, Cyprus:

When Turkish and Greek Cypriots took aim Sunday, it
wasn't at each other.  The best-flung darts went
straight to the bull's-eye.

Busloads of Cypriots, nominally enemies, gathered here
from both sides of the Green Line for an unconventional
bid for peace on the divided island.

"We came here to play darts and to prove that we can be
together," said Mustafa Bokaner, a used-car dealer from
the Turkish Cypriot half of the divided capitol,
Nicosia.

The First All Cyprus Darts Tournament was the first
major sporting event between the two Cypriot
communities since the east Mediterranean island gained
independence from Britain in 1960, organizer Tom
Thoupos said.

Forty Turkish Cypriot dart players and scores of
friends and fans trooped through barbed-wire barricades
at the U.N.-administered checkpoint to line up against
88 Greek Cypriot challengers at Nicosia's Hilton Hotel.

The tournament was meant to show that ordinary people -
- car mechanics and cooks, salesman and secretaries --
don't care much about the so-called "Cyprus Problem."

Dartboard diplomacy grew out of a modest idea of
Australian peacekeeper, Sgt. Doug Child, who invited
several players for a couple of informal games in the
U.N. buffer zone last year.  He has since returned
home.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 13, 1994

Manila, Philippines:

Worried by complaints that Philippine police officers'
arrogance discourages people from reporting crimes, the
Manila force has begun a campaign to win public trust
by awarding a weekly cash prize to the cop with the
best smile.
==========

Amherst, Massachusetts:

Stephen Powelson, 76, of Paris, has spent 16 years
memorizing Homer's "Iliad" in the ancient Greek.  All
600 pages, 15,693 lines.

So far, he's gotten 14,800 lines under his belt.

On Monday, Powelson recited an hour's worth -- about
650 lines -- for a dozen classics professors and
students at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst.

Why?

"Every person has a secret desire to achieve
immortality.  My way is to absorb into myself something
that is immortal," he says.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 14, 1994

Tokyo, Japan:

Japan's Air Force had to spend $960,000 to inspect
training jets after a mechanic fiddled with canopy
switches and circuit breakers in an expensive prank.

The Air Force conducted sophisticated tests last year
to probe mysteriously malfunctioning gauges and
instruments on four T-4 jet trainers at the Misawa Air
Base in northern Japan.

The advanced Kawasaki T-4 jets are used to give polish
to trainees before they pilot an F-15, the main fighter
in the Japanese Air Force.

Air Force technicians could not find the problem
despite inspections that lasted eight months and
involved the use of magneto-spectrograms and additional
insulation to the wiring.  The planes were grounded
during that time.

Earlier this year, the mechanic, a 21-year-old ground-
crew sergeant whose name was not released, was recorded
by a video camera hidden in the hanger as he fiddled
with the switches and breakers.

During the investigation, the mechanic told superiors
that he had been doing it all along.

"It was fun to watch everybody thrown into confusion,"
he was quoted as saying.

He was suspended from the service last month and left
the Air Force.

The Air Force may sue the mechanic for civil damages.
==========

Spokane, Washington:

It can take 13 months to get mail from the Kingdom of
Swaziland, but at Larry and Bernadine Romero's house,
it was worth the wait.

Pictured in one corner of a postage stamp from the
southern Africa country is King Mswati III, son of King
Sobhusa and Queen Ntombi.

In another corner is the Romero's son, Mitchell Romero.

Move over, Elvis.

When the Swazi government wanted to commemorate 25
years of Peace Corps volunteerism in that country, it
chose Romero, 26, surrounded by his students.  The
stamp surprised his parents.

"He hadn't breathed a word of it," said Larry.  "He
treats it like it was no big deal."

Romero teaches architecture and building in the tiny
nation tucked between South Africa and Mozambique on
the Indian Ocean.

The king, in one corner of the stamp, wears traditional
garb.  Romero wears a Spiderman tie.

In Swaziland, Romero designed and built the pavilion
where the 25-anniversary Peace Corps celebrations were
held.  He has also designed and built a farmers market
and soon will attempt a two-story office building.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 18, 1994

This item comes from Bruce Cronquist:

Seattle, Washington:

Seattle marketing consultant Jan Wilder reports on a recent
drive-by.  She and two associates were crossing the street
in a crosswalk with the light.  They couldn't help noticing
a snazzy red Porche stopped in the middle of the crosswalk.

Wilder says, "As we walked past the Porche, the passenger
reached out and handed me a flower, wrapped with a ribbon.
Then the car sped off.  My first drive-by flowering.  I love
this town!"
==========

This item comes from Tom Glaab:

Richmond, Virginia:

Virginia Is For Lovers, according to the state's tourism
motto.  And now it's for breast-feeders too.

The Old Dominion has just become the third state in the
country -- after Florida and North Carolina -- to guarantee
women the right to breast-feed in public without fear of
being charged with indecent exposure.

Jean W. Cunningham (D-Richmond) proposed the legislation
after hearing stories about mothers being harassed "and made
to feel like criminals" when they tried to nurse in shopping
malls and other public places.  Several women were told they
couldn't breast-feed at Wolf Trap last summer because they
might attract bees, although the park later backed down
after criticism.

Despite proven health and nutritional benefits for mother
and child, only about half of all new mothers try to breast-
feed, and many quit after a short time.  One reason given is
the discomfort women feel from gawkers who deride them as
exhibitionists -- no matter how discreet they try to be in
public.

While lobbying for the measure in Richmond this year,
supporters may have inadvertently hit on a way to speed
legislation through the thicket of committee hearings.  They
showed up whenever the breast-feeding bill was on a hearing
agenda, many with nursing babies and fidgety tykes in tow.
They were surprised to learn that their issue was always at
the top of the list.

"They took our bill first every time," Rebecca Wright, a
pediatric nurse in Richmond, recalled Friday.  "The
legislators were anxious for us to be out of there."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 19, 1994

Amsterdam, Netherlands:

A Dutch researcher, after five years of study, discovered
the best way to swat a fly.

The trick, it seems, is to wear red, a difficult color
for the insects to detect (they see green and violet
the best).  And use a red fly swatter in the late
afternoon when flies are drowsy, as they use 75 percent
of their brainpower for sight.
==========

Fast News Forum:

Maricopa County, Arizona, authorities are alerting
cotton farmers to expect a bumper crop of marijuana
plants in their fields, thanks to a half ton of pot
someone dumped into an irrigation canal.

A Detroit, Michigan, desk clerk told police a hotel
resident "produced a weapon," gave him a holdup note,
scooped about $125 from the till and fled.  The weapon
he left behind was a submarine sandwich wrapped in a
towel.

An underdog candidate in Ukraine's parliamentary
elections appealed to young voters by giving away an
item in short supply even in post-Soviet times --
condoms.

Indiana state police took an hour to find a train crew
that had stopped its train to eat lunch near a crossing
causing the traffic arms to descend and block a road.
==========

San Francisco, California:

At the recent UniForum computer trade show in San
Francisco, the visiting techies rocked to the sounds of
two bands: the Beach Boys and the Talking Propellerheads.

While the Beach Boys might be a better-known band, the
Talking Propellerheads were probably better at
interfacing with the crowd.  That's because they play
songs like "UNIX on the Desktop," sung to the tune of
"Message in a Bottle" by the Police: "Just an old OS,
isolating me -- oh, and I must confess better than NT -
- oh.  More Windows hype than anyone can bear, buy my
code before I fall into despair -- oh!"

The Talking Propellerheads were born 13 years ago when
six salesmen at Westboro, Massachusetts-based Data
General showed up for the annual sales meeting with
pencils, tables, charts -- and guitars, keyboards and
drums.  They performed "hitech" classic rock parodies,
such as "Psycho Salesrep," to the tune "Psycho Killer"
by the Talking Heads, and "Sales Man," a spoof of "Soul
Man," last popularized by the Blues Brothers.  Their
fellow employees and management called for encores.  The
sextet, most of them former systems engineers, took its
name from the slang for tech nerds -- "propellerheads."

Last year in Boston, the Talking Propellerheads won the
Lotus World "Battle of the Bands" fund-raiser by
outperforming groups from Lotus Development, Digital
Equipment and ComputerVision.

In "Cobol Wizard," to the music of "Pinball Wizard"
from the Who's rock opera, "Tommy," they proclaim,
"Ever since I was a young boy, I used to write Cobol.
From mainframes down to micros, I must have done them
all.  But I ain't seen nothing like him in any sales
office stall.  That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure
writes a mean Cobol."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 20, 1994

This item comes from Chuck Yerkes:

Manchester, New Hampshire:

A jury awarded $35,000 to a woman who was covered with
chemicals and human waste when two men tipped over the
portable toilet she was using.

Kristen Flynn said some chemicals and waste went up her
nose and caused an infection. Flynn, a Concord water
inspector, also said the incident made her the brunt of
jokes at work.

The jury ruled Monday that Jeffrey Morse and Mark
Hayward deliberately tipped the toilet at a 1990 trade
show in Nashua.

Morse and Hayward denied knowing that Flynn was inside.
They said the toilet was uneven, and they were trying
to level it.
==========

This item comes from Bruce Cronquist:

Seattle, Washington:

Ballard Resident Karen West returned home last week and
found one of those large-as-life "For Sale" signs
planted in front of her house.  Quite a shock.  She had
no intentions of selling.

She dashed into the house to call the real-estate
company.  After enduring a few phone transfers, she
finally reached the listing agent, who apologized for
the mix-up (The house where the sign should have been
was three blocks south).

The incident is not without its irony.  West is the
Seattle Times' real-estate editor.
==========

Los Angeles, California:

"What looks really dysfunctional is a meshing of
dysfunctions to make it functional."

Dr. Joyce Brothers, in a level-headed analysis of the
unlevel-headed rock group Smashing Pumpkins, in Rolling
Stone magazine.
==========

Hollywood, California:

"You've probably heard -- I'm leaving my husband, Tom
Arnold."

Late-night talk show host Arsenio Hall announcing to
his audience that he will be ending the "Arsenio Hall
Show."
==========

Mexico City, Mexico:

Kidnapped financier Alfredo Harp Helu has called on his
bank to quickly extend him a personal loan to pay off
his abductors.

Harp Helu, president of Banco Nacional de Mexico, said
in letters published Thursday he feared a "final
ultimatum" that would lead to his execution and
exhorted the bank directors to immediately extend an
unspecified amount of credit.
==========

Palisade, Colorado:

A man who bought his 10-year-old son a toy glider said
he was stunned to learn it contained a plea for help
from its maker, a Taiwan prison inmate.

Ed Tucker's son, Eddie, found the note, riddled with
misspellings and grammatical errors, with the glider's
instructions.

"Hey lucky friends.  This toy make in prison Taiwan
R.O.C. I'm maker...," the note read.  It urged the
finder to report the note to the White House and called
for Taiwan to be investigated for alleged human rights
abuses.

The Taiwan government said Tuesday the glider's maker
was Liu Xin Ping, 40, who was convicted of robbery,
rape and theft and is serving a sentence of 12 years
and nine months in a central Taiwan prison.

News of the note was carried to Taiwan in an Associated
Press story and made headlines on crime pages in
Taiwanese papers.  Lawmakers then pressed the
government about the allegations that prisoners' rights
were being violated.

"It is absolutely legal to have prisoners work when
they are serving their terms," Justice Minister Ma
Ying-Jeou told the legislature.  "Sometimes they even
get higher pay than other factory workers, so we are
not abusing them."
==========

Cleveland, Ohio:

Currently, pumps that are implanted to assist damaged
hearts are designed to pulsate like heart muscles.  But
in the future, heart pumps may move blood in a
continuous flow.  Patients with a weak pulse, or no
pulse at all, will be able to lead normal lives.

Dr. Leonard Golding of the Cleveland Clinic, one of
several institutions developing non-pulsing heart-
assist pumps, says a pulse isn't necessary as long as
blood flow, pressure, and volume are sufficient.  If a
pump doesn't have to produce a pulse, he says, its
mechanics can be simpler.

The clinic's non-pulsing pump, which is being tested in
calves, has only one moving part: A rotor, containing
magnets, spins around a sealed electric coil.  The
design avoids any danger of foreign lubricants leaking
into the body.  Only blood is needed to lubricate the
rotor.

Golding says the pump's simple design should make it
more reliable and about half as expensive as pulsing
pumps, which now cost about $50,000.  And because the
plum-sized pump is one-fourth as large as a
conventional pump, it fits more easily inside the
chest.

Golding hopes to start using the non-pulsing pump in
humans in about three years.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 21, 1994

[Note from SuperChef:  It with sadness that we must
announce that starting with Monday's broadcast,
WhiteBoard News will begin a new three-day per week
schedule: Monday, Wednesday and Friday.]
=========

This item comes from Jim Anderson:

Iron Mountain, Michigan:

A gang of turkeys went for state troopers after causing
a fender bender, forcing police to use pepper spray to
break them up.

Two cars were forced from to stop Friday to avoid the
flock that was blocking a road near Iron Mountain in
the state's Upper Peninsula.  A third car ran into the
rear of one of the stopped cars, state police said.

As Trooper Daryl Middleton spoke with a driver about
the accident, five or six of the birds were "yelping,
clucking and gobbling at him as they moved towards him
in an intimidating manner," state police said in a news
release.

It got worse when Trooper Larry Gasperich started
directing traffic around the cars.  The birds converged
on him, then became even more agitated when Gasperich
swatted them with his hat.

That was when he whipped out his Macelike pepper spray
and let loose.

"The suspects fled the scene on foot, running down the
hill and into a wooded area south of the crime scene,"
police said.
=========

Hollywood, California:

Trekkie alert:  Production has begun on "Star Trek:
Generations," which teams veteran Trekkers William
Shatner, James Doohan and Walter Koenig with stars of
"Star Trek: The Next Generation," including Patrick
Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

According to the entertainment-industry newspaper
Variety, Malcom McDowell plays the villain -- a
scientist who, McDowell says, "believes he's doing the
right thing.  He may be misguided, but he's not bad."

McDowell also told Variety that, as his character, "I
get to kill Kirk."
==========

Washington, District of Columbia:

"Hey, you know it's part of my job to make people feel
better, and I've made millions of Americans fell better
about how they look in running clothes."

First Jogger, President Bill Clinton.
===========

Los Angeles, California:

Awash in old money, Fed banks seek new uses for
shredded notes.

Facing higher disposal costs as nearby dumps fill up,
the Federal Reserve Bank of Los Angeles looks for firms
with novel uses for the 185 tons of bills it shreds
each year.

Terra Roofing Products is testing the shredded bills,
called residue, in roofing shingles made of recycled
paper.  Gridcore Systems is trying it in molded
fiberboard panels made into stage sets, trade-show
displays and such.

Not all Fed banks fell pressure to cut landfill use,
but residue volume is growing about 5% a year, says
James Reese of the Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond.
The Fed banks shred about seven billion bills a year,
or 7,000 tons.  Cemtech L.P. is close to signing a
contract to use Richmond's residue in fuel pellets,
which fire up boilers.
==========

New York, New York:

Burpee Seeds has put together a nine-seed package
designed for a garden that will lure insect-eating
bats.
==========

New York, New York:

You've surely heard of Albert Einstein, but what about
Jerome Lemelson?

Lemelson's inventions include the compact disk, the
cordless telephone, and the VCR.

Now he is donating several million dollars to the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology to establish the
$500,000 Lemelson-MIT prize, the world's largest award
for inventors.  Starting in 1995, it will be given
annually to an outstanding U.S. inventor.

Lemelson hopes the prize will increase the prestige of
his profession and inspire more schoolchildren to
become inventors.
===========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 22, 1994

[Note from SuperChef:  It with sadness that we must
announce that starting with Monday's broadcast,
WhiteBoard News will begin a new three-day per week
schedule: Monday, Wednesday and Friday.]
=========

New York, New York:

"I'll take 'Things I Don't Really Want to Know' for
$500, Alex."

Talk show host David Letterman on President Clinton's
admission that he usually wears briefs.
==========

Portland, Oregon:

An explosion?  An earthquake?  The end of the world?

Portland-area emergency dispatchers didn't know what to
think Wednesday morning when as many as 50 people from
all corners of the region reported hearing explosions.

Baffled dispatchers learned later that the unlikely
culprit was the space shuttle Endeavour, which created
a sonic boom as it crossed Oregon.  The shuttle was on
its way to a landing at Edwards Air Force Base in
California's Mojave Desert after completing an 11-day
mission.

Even earthquake-monitoring seismometers detected the
boom at 9:42 AM in Oregon.  The Endeavour landed 12
minutes later.
==========

Atlanta, Georgia:

"To Gary Hill, who I promised to mention in my will, I
want to say, 'Hi Gary.'"

Lewis Grizzard, the late newspaper columnist and
humorist, to an old college friend he promised to
remember in his will."
==========

New York, New York:

Defense-industry humor paints this picture of the
future:

Having merged, Northrop and Grumman change their name
to "Norman."  Then they buy another big-name aerospace
contractor to become "Norman Rockwell."
==========

Los Angeles, California:

Los Angeles is more than the City of Angels -- it's
also the city of vampires.  At least that's the claim
of self-proclaimed vampirologist Stephen Kaplan, who
says 10 percent of American vampires moved to L.A. in
1992, making it the U.S. vampire capital.

"Vampires are beautiful, charming, charismatic, and
sexually dominating, so they fit right in with the L.A.
lifestyle," Kaplan says.  "Also, people were less
clothing there, so vampires can see more accessible
areas."

Kaplan, who founded the Vampire Research Center in
Queens, New York, in 1972, believes 20 blood-craving
vampires call L.A. home; 20 more live elsewhere in
California.  Thirty vampires make Florida the second
most popular among the "undead," while New York ranks
third, with 25 vampire citizens.  There are more than
850 vampires worldwide, adds Kaplan, who came up with
these figures after being contacted by alleged vampires
and using a questionnaire to weed out "the mentally
ill, hoaxers, blood cultists, and other would-be
Draculas."

"Real vampires have a physiological need to drink a few
ounces of blood several times a week," Kaplan states.
"They rarely kill, and most are nice.  Unlike their
fictional counterparts, real vampires can tolerate
daylight if they wear a sunscreen, and they don't leave
fang marks; rather, they bite very gently or use a
cutting device."
==========

Hempstead, New York:

Ready for a seminar on the Sultan of Swing?

To mark Babe Ruth's 100th birthday in 1995, Hofstra
University in New York plans a "scholarly conference"
on the baseball legend.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
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WhiteBoard News for April 25, 1994

Dresden, Germany:

A woman gave birth unexpectedly on the toilet and the
infant went down the pipe, but was saved after the
father and neighbors tore out the plumbing.

The birth at about 5 AM last Wednesday occurred in
Dippoldiswalde, a town near the Czech border in eastern
Germany, and was announced in a police statement.  The
parents and child were not identified, and the gender
of the baby was not announced.

The woman's husband heard her screaming from the toilet
in their second-floor apartment, the police report
said, and with the help of people on the ground floor,
the sewage pipe was broken open.  "And then the miracle
happened.  The newborn ... was rescued alive," the
report said.
==========

Key West, Florida:

Adrift at sea for 13 days, the three Cuban rafters
prayed that someone would pluck them from the water and
take them to Miami.  Instead, the refugees wound up as
the rescuers.

Late Tuesday afternoon, the rafters spotted a fisherman
in a battered dinghy.

"We thought we were saved," said one of the Cubans
yesterday.  "When we got to this man's boat, his engine
was broken, he had no radio and he had no food.  We
told him to get on our raft because it seemed to us
that he'd be better off."

Juan Torna Hernandez, 46, of Miami, was relieved to
climb aboard the 12-foot rubber raft.

"He told us he had been adrift for four days and that
he had no way of calling anyone for help," said the
rafting rescuer.

Early Wednesday morning, the four men landed in the
Florida Keys, said a U.S. Coast Guard spokesman.

"We thought Torna Hernandez was a rafter," said the
spokesman.  "But then he whipped out his Florida
driver's license and his Social Security card."
==========

Dayville, Oregon:

A Bend man was shocked to find someone had stolen his
hot tub by cutting it from the deck of his mountain
home.  He got another shock when he saw the hot tub
sitting in a driveway in nearby Dayville.

Mike Fassette discovered a week ago someone had stolen
electronic equipment and liquor from his remote cabin
on Murderer's Creek.  Then he noticed the burglar had
used a chainsaw to carve a huge $9,000 hot tub out of
the deck.

When Fassette drove to Dayville to report the crime to
police, he spotted the tub.  Grant County sheriff's
deputies searched the house where the "hot" tub was
taken and found electronics and other items from other
burglaries.

A 20-year-old man was charged with burglary and
possession of stolen property.
==========

Aradan, Russia:

Fishermen from the Russian village of Aradan have
discovered a hole in the ice covering the Sayano-
Shushenskoye Reservoir that they believe was caused by
an object falling from space.

Tass reported the shape of the three-foot-diameter hole
indicated that the object fell at an angle and at a
great velocity.

Scientists will wait until the spring thaw to recover
what they believe is a meteorite now resting beneath
the ice.
==========

Fast News Forum:

A man dressed as a giant white mouse, chanting "rats
have rights," was arrested for mischief in Toronto
after disrupting an international conference on animal
genetics.

A mortuary worker in Krasnoyarsk, Russia, cut off a
human head and took it as a gift to two girlfriends
having a party.

An Australian schoolboy who sued his former headmaster
for defamation for telling his mother he was naughty
lost his court case.

A Michigan rape suspect with an aching tooth went to an
emergency room.  His alleged victim was there talking
to police, who quickly made the arrest.

Doctors at an English jail had to separate a woman from
her inmate husband after they used superglue to stick
their hands together during a visit.

A box looked suspicious.  The police dog went nuts.
Philadelphia Airport officials called the bomb squad,
closed a major road and shut down a train line.  The
contents?  Cooked crawfish.
==========

Winston, Oregon:

A 27-year-old woman has been charged with delivering
drugs to her baby daughter by feeding her breast milk
containing methamphetamine.

Shelly Monroe was arrested Wednesday after a Douglas
County counselor observed her breast feeding her
month-old child.  The arrest came just days after
Monroe, who is on probation for burglary and theft
convictions, submitted a urinalysis that turned up
positive for methamphetamine.

Monroe has been charged with delivering a controlled
substance to a minor and recklessly endangering a minor
-- her baby.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net


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WhiteBoard News for April 27, 1994

Cape Canaveral, Florida:

Sometime after Gene Roddenberry's death in 1991, the
ashes of the Star Trek creator were hauled into space,
his widow said Tuesday.

Secretly carried aboard a shuttle mission, Roddenberry's
ashes were launched into space and returned to Earth,
Majel Barrett Roddenberry said at Cape Canaveral.

NASA officials said they did not know on which mission
the ashes flew, but said the event was a space program
first.
==========

This item comes from Bruce Cronquist:

San Luis Obispo, California:

The town is considering requiring porches.

Although porches throughout the country have largely
become extinct, they could make a comeback in this
town.  A City Council committee has perplexed residents
here by recommending that all new houses built have a
front porch.

The rationale: "Such design features are effective ways
to build neighborhoods and to improve the social
ecology of the city," says the General Plan Land Use
Element, Environmental Quality Task Force Draft.

"If you drive around the suburbs, for instance," says
architect critic Witold Rybczynski, "you'll see very
often people sitting in their garages.  It's very sad.
It shows they want to sit out and look at the street,
but that's the only place where they can do it."

A local resident, Steve Parker, says "Here it's like
the old times. Down (in Southern California) everyone's
in their back yards...They're scared of everyone else."
==========

This item also comes from Bruce Cronquist:

Redmond, Washington:

Redmond resident Anna Rising experienced future shock
while refueling her car at a BP station in Everett.

The credit card-activated pump flashed an electronic
message.  It read "If you would like a latte, push this
button and someone will take your order."
==========

This item comes from Jodi Shapiro:

New York, New York:

An international effort to crack a tough mathematical
problem has succeeded, researchers said yesterday.  The
problem has stood out as a challenge to computer
scientists for 17 years because it was linked to a
popular coding system and was said to be proof of the
system's security.

The problem was to factor a 129-digit number, breaking
it into its component parts the way a molecule is
broken into atoms.  This particular number was
suggested 17 years ago by the inventors of a coding
system that  was said to be provably secure because to
break it a person would have to factor a very large
number.

To show how hard it was, the inventors of the coding
system published the 129 digit number, encoded a
message with it, and challenged people to break the
code and read the message.  They predicted it would
take 40 quadrillion years to factor it with the methods
of the time and that no one would be able to break the
code until well into the next century.  The number was
known as R.S.A. 129, after the coding system's
inventors.

They offered $100 to anyone who could factor the
number.

Dr. Arjen Lenstra, a computer scientist at Bellcore in
Morristown, NJ, said it took 100 quadrillion
calculations, contributed by more than 600 Internet
volunteers, to factor the number.  Derek Atkins, a
graduate student at MIT, collected the calculations,
checked them and passed them on to Dr. Lenstra.  Lenstra
used a Bellcore computer with 16,000 processors to churn
out the factors of R.S.A. 129.

The answer, the group said, is this:
114,381,625,757,888,867,669,235,779,976,146,612,010,218,
296,721,242,362,562,561,842,935,245,733,897,830,597,123,
563,958,705,058,989,075,147,599,290,026,879,543,541 =
3,490,529,510,847,650,949,147,849,619,903,898,133,417,76
4,638,493,387,843,990,820,577 X
32,769,132,993,266,709,549,961,988,190,834,461,413,177,6
42,967,992,942,539,798,288,533.

The encoded message says: "The magic words are squeamish
ossifrage."

Mr. Atkins said that the group is donating the $100
reward to the Free Software Foundation, a group that
distributes free computer programs.
==========

New York, New York:

Tax humor?

A real-estate tax publication carries an article
titled, "The Naked Truth about 'LUST' Reimbursements."

It tells all about leaking underground storage tanks.
==========

Hollywood, California:

"Did you see that picture of President Clinton at the
Charlotte Motor Speedway?  That is the perfect place
for him to be driving.  You can only go left, you can
go in circles and you end up where you started."

Tonight Show host Jay Leno
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for April 29, 1994

This item comes from Tom Glaab:

Washington, District of Columbia:

As if CIA Director R. James Woolsey didn't have enough
problems on his plate, what with Aldrich Ames,
congressional battles over counterintelligence reforms
and a pending sex discrimination suit by CIA lady spies.

Now word filters out of Langley headquarters that a male
CIA employee within the office that analyzes spy satellite
photographs is undergoing a sex-change operation.

The employee has already begun wearing women's clothing
before surgery completes the changeover, and the
activity has been disruptive for those in the imagery
analysis office, CIA sources have told.
==========

London, England:

"You lived to tell the tale, did you?"

Prince Charles to a well-wisher who told the prince she
had met estranged wife, Princess Diana.
==========

Washington, District of Columbia:

Planted as decorative shrubbery around numerous
government buildings in Washington, D.C. are American
yew trees.  The botanical name for the species is
"Taxus taxus."
==========

Paris, France:

A new French cable channel, Contact Television, is
aimed at personal needs 24 hours a day.

CTV runs announcements for people offering to sell items
or seeking anything from a job to a marriage partner.

Ads, which can be taped in CTV's studio or by home
video, may run between 30 and 80 seconds.  Responses
can arrive almost immediately through a CTV phone
system as an answering machine.
==========

Phoenix, Arizona:

"Sole of the West," an exhibit at Arizona's Desert
Caballeros Western Museum, celebrates cowboy boots.
==========

Doswell, Virginia:

Wayne and Garth getting their own amusement park?
No way!

Way!

Wayne's World, an 8-acre park within a park, opens here
Saturday at Paramount's Kings Dominion, 75 miles south
of Washington, D.C.  And a second Wayne's World opens
in mid-June at Paramount's Carowinds in Charlotte,
North Carolina.

Wayne's World transports visitors to Aurora, Illinois,
Wayne's hometown, where they'll find:

The Hurler: You didn't see this in the movie, but the
3,157-foot wooden roller coaster, which hits speeds of
50 MPH, is definitely worthy.  "Emergency hurler cups"
are on hand just in case."

Stan Mikita's: Grab Wayne's favorite, a jelly doughnut
(you get a straw to slurp out the jelly), at this
replica of Wayne's most excellent doughnut shop from
the movie.

Wayne's basement: See where Wayne and Garth tape their
show; have your picture taken on Wayne's couch.

The new area also has Scream Weaver, a flying scooter
ride, and the Rock Shop, for loading up on Wayne and
Garth caps, T-shirts and other paraphernalia.

You'll also see the Mirth Mobile -- Wayne's turquoise
AMC Pacer from the movie -- and get a chance to chat
with strolling Wayne and Garth lookalikes.
==========

Los Angeles, California:

An eye-popping $2.7 million pregnancy-bias award by a
California jury, believed to be the largest of its
kind, has been trimmed by $850,000 after a state court
judge ruled it was based on insufficient evidence.

Lana Ambruster, who was fired by a California insurer
while pregnant, unfairly aroused jurors' sympathy "by
constantly weeping and relating every problem she had
in her life to her termination," writes Judge Leonard
Sprinkles.
==========

"When they settle in for popcorn, a soft drink and a
candy bar, I'm sure they're aware they're not following
the Pritikin regimen."

William Kartozian, president of the National
Association of Theater Owners, on the high saturated
fat content of movie theater popcorn.
==========

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia:

Malaysia's King Azlan Shah stepped down to be succeeded
by a fellow sultan under the system of rotating
monarchs.

Nine hereditary sultans take turns as king every five
years.  Tuanku Jaafar Tuanku Abdul Rahman will be the
next supreme sovereign under the constitutional
monarchy begun in 1957 upon Malaysia's independence
from Britain.
==========

Cannes, France:

As nearly 850 companies and representatives from 100
countries gathered last week to buy and sell television
programs at the Marche Internationale des Programmes de
Television, one particular show stood out.

It comes from FinnImage, representing independent
producers from Finland, with its offering, "Underwater
Puppet Theatre," and there's nothing else on the market
like it.

The series, a collection of folk tales from Sri Lanka and
Thailand targeted at six-to-12-year-olds, promises to
explore such varied topics as the "gastric acids of a
crocodile," the "raw materials of the perfume industry"
and the maxims of "Mother Crab," all to explain the
culture, traditions and values of Southeast Asia.
Because the folk tales take place underwater, the
producer, naturally, plans to do most of the filming of
the elaborately bejeweled puppets underwater.  All they
need is $600,000 to go to Sri Lanka to produce the shows.

Project manager Marita Rainbird concedes that
"Underwater Puppet Theatre" might have a difficult time
finding a home on United States television but says,
"it's a good thing for Americans to know about."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 02, 1994

London, England:

A couple who fell in love after having sex change
operations have appealed to Queen Elizabeth to support
their campaign to marry under their new identities.

Although they are legally allowed to marry, Janeen
Newham and David Willis would have to assume their old
genders for the wedding ceremony as British statute
does not recognize sex-change surgery.

According to reports, Newham, 47, would be addressed as
the groom, not the bride, because she was born a man,
and Willis would be asked whether he wanted to take his
girlfriend as his lawfully wedded husband.
==========

Manila, Philippines:

A drunken man shot himself twice in an apparent suicide
attempt but only grazed his head, and ended up in jail
when police found he had used an unlicensed gun.

It all started when Rogelio Aparicio, 46, became
despondent after his wife left him.

Aparicio shot himself first in the temple but merely
grazed his head.  He then aimed the revolver in his
mouth but again missed, grazing his lip.

A neighbor heard the shots and called the police.

Bleeding from his wounds, Aparicio was treated at a
hospital and later was arrested for possession of an
illegal firearm.
==========

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... or puts
you on a talk show."

Actress and writer Carrie Fisher.
==========

Kelso, Washington:

Just when he thought he'd heard it all, they dusted off
a new one for Cowlitz County District Judge Robert
Altenhof.  Rodney Williams brought his mother's ashes
in a plastic box as his material witness.

The 21-year-old Williams said he wanted to prove her
illness and death were the reason he missed an earlier
court date and didn't pay his fines for an assault
charge.

"They bring me engine parts, rugs that are urine-
stained," Altenhof remarked after Williams' Wednesday
appearance.  "This is the first time they've brought in
human remains."

Williams of Kelso, said he didn't have his mother's
original death certificate, so he presented the judge
with what was left of her.  He said he wanted to come
clean and take care of his fines.

Sighing, Altenhof accepted Williams' excuse.
==========

Miami, Florida:

Three Cuban refugees who escaped the island on
sailboards glided for 12 hours as sharks circled them -
- then, exhausted, they stretched out and took naps.

Three hours later, at 3 AM Wednesday, they heard the
rumble of a boat and sent up a flare.  It was a group
of American fisherman on their way back from a
tournament in Cozumel.

"I was thinking, 'Please, let a boat come by and pick
us up.  Enough with the heroism.'" said Alexander
Morales, 21, a professional windsurfer.  "And the boat
did come."

Hitching a ride with the fisherman, Morales, Carlos
Gonzales, 26, and Roberto Ortiz, 22, arrived in Key
West on Wednesday morning.

The three men first concocted their plan two months
ago.

They rigged their sailboards for the trip across the
Florida Straits with special seats, similar to swings,
and sturdy sails.  And they trained every day, at least
four hours a day, often longer.

But they lost a powerful ally the moment they left the
coast of Santa Fe, their hometown, Tuesday.  The wind
died, leaving them idle and impatient for long
stretches.  The sharks edged in closer.  At night, the
predators never left them alone.

"It's very risky, very tiring," said Morales, who
competed for Cuba's windsurfing team.  "You are nothing
compared to the sea.  So insignificant."

Cuba's border guards never suspected a thing.
Windsurfers sail along the Santa Fe coast all the time.
Morales and his friends joined the pack early on, when
they were kids.

"We had done this all our lives," Morales said.
==========

Fast News Forum:

Police in southern Thailand reopened an alleged suicide
case after the victim's relatives said his penis was
missing and foul play was suspected.

An electronic collar that discourages barking did the
trick for a California dog that yapped so much a judge
had threatened to have its vocal cords severed.

Florida firefighters searching for a cat in a burning
garage were expecting to hear a meow.  They got
something more like a roar.  The cat was a 90-pound
puma, which was rescued.

A Malaysian Airlines flight from Perth to Kuala Lumpur
returned to Australia 90 minutes after takeoff because
the heat generated by 190 goats in the aircraft
triggered a fire alarm.

An amateur historian in England spent 30 years tracing
his family tree, only to be told he was studying the
wrong one because he had been adopted.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 04, 1994

Puget Sound, Washington:

You'd hardly think they need more, but the Navy's Fleet
and Industrial Supply Center recently awarded a $71,460
contract for about 25,000 rolls of ... red tape.

The contract is "a recurring one," FISC's Katie Palmer
tells.

The tape comes in three sizes, but the amount purchased
is based on "actual fleet needs." Ah, but there's
bureaucratic red tape involved as well -- the product
is on the "required military purchase list," meaning it
has to be bought from a small or disadvantaged
business. The contractor is the Cincinnati Association
for the Blind.
==========

Jacksonville, Florida:

It's alligator mating season, and one police officer
found out how worked up a gator can get.

The 9-foot male alligator tried to take a bite out of
Officer M.R. Floyd, then ripped a chunk off his
cruiser.

The gator had wandered onto a highway Sunday and lunged
at cars before Floyd showed up.

A state trooper was called in.  He snared the gator and
captured a 2 1/2-foot baby alligator in a ditch.

The young alligator was to be relocated to an isolated
area, but so-called nuisance alligators 4 feet and
longer are killed because they pose a threat to people
and pets.
==========

Santa Cruz, California:

Koko, the Santa Cruz gorilla who knows sign language,
can't seem to get in the mood for love.

Problem 1: She's not the least bit attracted to either
of two virile male gorillas.

Problem 2: Developers say they may start a logging
operation next to her wooded compound and, according to
people who are paid to know these sort of things, noise
makes gorillas more aggressive and, thus, less
romantic.

California's Department of Forestry has scheduled a June
hearing to decide if the logging operation should proceed.

Why all the fuss?  Francine Patterson, the psychologist
who taught Koko sign language, hopes to breed the
gorilla to see if she will pass on her language skills
to her offspring.
==========

Spokane, Washington:

Imagine a sidewalk sale where clothes are free.
Sweats, ball caps, even a black lace bra.

The clothing castoff is part of the ritual of
Bloomsday, a 7 1/2-mile timed foot race through
Spokane.

As runners stripped down to shorts and T-shirts for the
race Sunday, they tossed all sorts of apparel into
trees or onto sidewalks.

For Laurie Tollefson, Sunday's race was a gratis
garment bonanza.  She walked through downtown, stuffing
trash bags full of clothes.

Police say it's all free for the taking.

"It's open to the scavengers to take what they wish,"
Sergeant Jim Nicks said.  "We feel it's basically the
same as throwing it in the garbage can."
==========

Singapore:

Singapore inaugurated a 99-acre zoo open from 6:30 PM
to midnight to allow visitors to view  the 1,000
nocturnal inhabitants when they are most active.

The Night Safari Park, built for $38.7 million in a
stand of jungle in the small city-state, has more than
90 species, ranging from large predators to timid forest
dwellers, almost half of them on endangered lists.

As most tropical animals are nocturnal, the after-dark
park operates a 45-minute tram ride and uses a
specifically designed low-intensity lighting system for
observing behavior different from that in daytime zoos.
==========

New York, New York:

A detailed map of the damage wrought by Japanese
bombers on Pearl Harbor -- prepared by the attack's top
pilot and presented to Emperor Hirohito -- sold Tuesday
for $321,500, about twice its estimated value.

Forbes Incorporated bought the recently rediscovered
map at a spirited auction at Sotheby's.  It will
display the document in its New York City museum.

Sotheby's had predicted the creased watercolor-and-ink
map would go for between $100,000 and $150,000.

For the past 47 years, the paper was in the archives of
Gordon W. Prange, who acquired it while chief of the
historical section of General Douglas MacArthur's
headquarters in Occupied Japan.
==========

New York, New York:

Oreo needs to know.

Are you a twister, a dunker, a ski-jumper tosser, or an
accelerated-gratification type who pops the whole
sandwich cookies in his mouth and -- occasionally --
chews before swallowing?

Nabisco marketing gurus have set up a national toll-
free number to find out.  The number, of course, is
(800)EAT-OREO (328-6736).

An electronic narrator asks callers to press 1 if
they twist apart their Oreos before eating them, 2 if
they dunk them in milk, 3 if they nibble, and 4 if
they want 20 seconds to explain their own creative
ways of doing it.

Every hundredth caller gets a prize pack, including
lots of cookies, but don't call back from the same
number twice or they'll catch on to you.

City-by-city results of the eight-week survey will be
tabulated after it ends May 15.  The company hopes it
will help it find ways to sell more cookies.

Ann Smith, spokeswoman for Nabisco, has listened to
about an hour of the 20-second creative responses.

"From what I understand, children like to mash," Smith
says.  "They crush their Oreos with their hands and eat
all the pieces, or they put them in bowls and mash them
and put milk on top, and eat it all with a spoon.  Some
make Oreo mudpies, with a little milk, a lot of mushed-
up Oreos, a lot of fingers and a couple of Handi-wipes.

But her favorite came from a grown-up -- he likes to
roll a cookie on its edge down his forehead, ski-jump it
off his nose and catch it in his mouth.  If it drops to
the floor he can't eat it.  That's his rule, she said.

Nabisco also has other facts that you may really need
to know:

Each Oreo takes 1 1/2 hours to make.

47 million pounds of filling is used each year.

If all the Oreos sold since their invention in 1912
were stacked on top of each other, they would be as
high as 9.8 million Sears Towers.
===========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 06, 1994

Fort Myers, Florida:

Barbecue lovers, get ready to go to pig heaven.

The Barbecue's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
motorcoach tour, May 18-29, includes cultural
highlights of five states and, oh yeah, nearly a dozen
barbecue meals.  The tour -- offered by Royal Palm
Tours of Fort Myers -- leaves from Fort Myers but the
eating starts in Memphis.

"Defining barbecue can start family-splitting
controversies," says Royal Palm's Ron Drake.  "Aside
from the regional differences, there's the varying
preparation techniques, preferred parts of the hog
used, sliced, minced, chopped, pulled, with flavor
imparted by oak, hickory, charcoal."

The tour visits such barbecue joints as Corky's in
Memphis, Mary's Old-Fashioned BBQ in Nashville,
Porker's in Chattanooga, and Little Pigs BBQ in
Asheville, North Carolina.

Aside from eating, participants visit the Memphis in
May festival, make a pilgrimage to Graceland, tour the
Jack Daniel's Distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee, go
whitewater rafting and tour the Biltmore Estate in
Asheville.
==========

Hong Kong:

A rare Chinese stamp, found last December in an English
boy's album, sold for $7,700 at an auction in Hong
Kong.

The stamp, which dates to 1885 and has a small
variation from other known examples of its series, was
purchased at Sotheby's Holdings Incorporated's first
ever stamp sale in the British colony.

A Hong Kong collector bought the stamp, discovered when
a 16-year-old took the album to a British Broadcasting
Corporation television show that appraises heirlooms.
==========

"I don't think anyone's ever going to accept me in a
comedy -- ever, ever, ever.  I'm a commodity.  If you
go into the store and grab a can of Stallone, you open
it up and see Steve Martin -- you don't want that."

Actor Sylvester Stallone.
==========

New York, New York:

If a jet engine can't stand up to a 2.5-pound duck, its
manufacturer has a multi-million-dollar turkey.

Airplanes sometimes hit birds, and one or two sucked
through a jet engine could cause disaster if it
couldn't keep working.

This means the world's top jet engine makers must
perform some gory testing to make sure the inevitable
confrontations between bird and airplane will be fatal
only to the bird.

It may sound crude, but experts say there is just one
perfect way to do this: Fire carefully weighed dead
birds into running engines and the check for damage.

The trials are called "bird ingestion."  Pratt &
Whitney tested its new PW4084 engines with both a big
bird, an 8-pound turkey, and four 2.5-pound ducks.  The
bird carcasses are shot through an air cannon into the
spinning engine blades.

A slow-motion film of the larger bird shows the carcass
flying toward the blades, which slice it into seven
pieces as the engine consumes it.  After the ducks are
shot into the engine at about 170 miles per hour, tufts
of feathers blow out the back.

The company obtained birds that had died of natural
causes at poultry farms, spokesman Mark Sullivan said.

As long as the birds are humanely killed, the practice
seems to raise concerns only among the most vocal of
animal rights activists.

"Anything that reduces the number of air accidents has
got to be a good thing," said Derek Niemann, a
spokesman for the Royal Society for the Protection of
Birds in England.

Even as jet engine makers utilize different design
philosophies, they seem to favor different types of
birds.

GE Aircraft Engines tried out its GE90 engine on a
herring gull.  Rolls-Royce in England sticks strictly
with ducks.
==========

Los Angeles, Washington:

In a delicate and extremely rare surgery, a team of
doctors at the University of Southern California's
University Hospital reattached a woman's entire scalp
after her ponytail got caught in a giant blender.

Doctors say her prognosis is excellent.

Patsy Bogle, 30, yesterday told one of her surgeons
about the accident.  It was the first time she could
recount to anyone other than her husband what happened
Tuesday morning.

At her job in a Monrovia, California, packaging
company, she was cleaning sticky silkscreen residue off
the blades of a giant industrial blender when her long
ponytail became snagged.

She felt her head smash into the metal and in an
instant, her scalp was gone -- torn off in a single
piece.

By all accounts, Bogle kept her wits throughout her
ordeal.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
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WhiteBoard News for May 11, 1994

This item comes from James Whitted:

Portland, Oregon:

You might say Steven Wade Hamilton had a taste for
jewelry, and change for a quarter.

Multnomah County sheriff's deputies were called Friday
to a suburban Fred Meyer store, where employees accused
Hamilton of stealing a marquise bridal set diamond ring
valued at $2,299.

Sheriff's deputy Steve Phillips thought Hamilton had
swallowed the ring and the suspect was taken to a
hospital for X-rays.

After reviewing the X-rays, the hospital staff
confirmed that Hamilton had several foreign objects in
his stomach, including what appeared to be the
stolen ring.

Hamilton, 32, was taken to the Multnomah County
Detention Center, where he was held on robbery and
criminal mischief charges.

On Sunday, a jailer told Phillips that Hamilton had
passed two dimes, a nickel and a $160 ring that still
had the Fred Meyer price tag attached.  No bridal ring
showed up, however.

Later Sunday, Hamilton was taken to the hospital
complaining of intense abdominal pains.  An X-ray
showed that the ring was inside Hamilton's bowels.
Authorities still were waiting Monday for the
opportunity to seize the stolen ring.
==========

This item comes from Doug Timpe:

Cambridge, Massachusetts:

They've put a fiberglass cow up there, and a working
telephone booth. Even built a small house.

So no one was shocked Monday when Massachusetts
Institute of Technology students somehow managed to put
what appeared to be a campus police car atop the 150-
foot high dome on the university's main building.

After all, MIT kids will be MIT kids.

"They never cause anyone any trouble, but they are
mischievous," said Ronald I. Mendes, a physical plant
supervisor.

The car appeared about 4 a.m. on the roof of the
Richard C. Maclaurin Building. It was actually the
shell of a car, attached to a wooden frame and painted
to look like a cruiser, said MIT Police Chief Anne
Glavin.

There was a flashing red light on top and a parking
ticket on the windshield. Inside was a stuffed upper
torso of a body -- and a box of donuts.

The culprits haven't been caught, but all fingers point
to "The Hackers," an informal and mysterious campus
group whose name pre-dates the emergence of computer
hacking.

University officials said the hackers probably snuck
into the building, climbed onto the roof and assembled
the car there.

School workers disassembled it by 10:30 a.m.

Practical jokes have a long tradition at the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and the dome of
the Maclaurin building has been the choice site over
the last 15 years.

The building, modeled after the Roman Pantheon, is the
centerpiece of the campus, fronting the Charles River
that separates Cambridge and Boston.

In 1979, a life-sized fiberglass cow was placed on the
dome. Three years later, a telephone booth -- complete
with a working phone -- was installed. In 1986, hackers
built a small house, complete with door and windows.

Hackers are careful not to cause permanent damage, so
no one seems to mind.

"It's part of the fabric of the place," said MIT
spokesman Bob DiIorio.  "It's an accepted event. Nobody
is in the hunt for the perpetrator."

Almost nobody. Chief Glavin said campus police will try
to find the pranksters, who could face $50 fines. But
she wasn't hopeful that police will succeed.

"We have a long history in this subject and we haven't
been able to identify too many people," she said.
==========

Atlanta, Georgia:

Upward Nobility?

Foreign student Anthony Ephirim-Donker, from Ghana, got
his Ph.D. from Emory University Monday, and he already
has a management job waiting for him: king of Gomoa-
Mprumem, his mother's farming town of 3,000.

Elected by the villagers, he will have divine perks,
like never having his bare feet touch the ground and
speaking to others in public only through an
intermediary.
==========

London, England:

A British yachtsman knocked more than 100 days off a
1971 record for sailing solo around the world.

Mike Golding, 33, took 167 days to make the journey
along a westward route, which is more difficult because
of winds and currents.  The previous westward record
was held by Chay Blyth, who finished the trip in 292
days.

Golding arrived in Southampton on Saturday.

At the end of his 27,000-mile voyage, within 12 miles
of shore, his 67-foot yacht grounded on a gravel bank.
His welcoming committee, which included his parents and
Blyth, had to wait for the tide to rise.  Sirens
sounded as he finally reached to port.

Gold left Southampton on November 21.

In 1986, Dodge Morgan of Cape Elizabeth, Maine, went
around the world along an eastward route in 150 days in
a 60-foot cutter.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

From the Seattle Times column of Jean Godden:
Status: R

Back from a vacation to Los Angeles, Chris Curtis has a
story to tell.

"We (my husband, daughter, and I) drove down to the
L.A. farmers' market.  It's in a neighborhood where you
should take precautions.  And what did we do?  We
locked our keys in the car."

The Curtises were trying to think what to do when they
were joined by three scary-looking dudes.  One guy
wordlessly pulled out a set of tools.  Chris says,
"They had the door open in seconds.

Then they scurried off before we could offer to pay
them.  One of them said, "I do this for a living."
==========

Huntington, West Virginia:

A woman was sentenced to 100 days in jail because her
8-year-old daughter missed too much school.

Eva Wilkenson, 43, was sentenced Wednesday by a Circuit
Court judge for violating the state's compulsory school
attendance law, said Bill Rogers, Cabell County's chief
adult probation officer.

Her daughter had 59 unexcused absences.
==========

"They may have flirted and he may have invited her up
to his room -- that's a real Billism ... But it's not
like Bill to pull down his pants."

Gennifer Flowers, who claims to have had an affair with
President Clinton while he was governor of Arkansas, on
the sexual harassment allegation against him.
==========

Montello, Wisconsin:

A Wisconsin fisherman's report of a hippopotamus in the
Macan River near Montello was initially viewed by
authorities as -- well, just a fish story.

But wildlife investigators changed their minds when
they caught up to Mark Schoebel hauling the carcass of
his 1,700-pound hippo from the river.

He says a camel at his game farm unlatched the hippo's
cage.  The huge animal wandered about 5 miles and was
wallowing in the river when Schoebel found him.

Schoebel shot the hippo because he couldn't get it out
of the river and did not want to leave it where it
could attack innocent people and livestock.

Authorities said no charges will be filed.
==========

Rantoul, Illinois:

The Book of Daniel says nothing about manna from
heaven.

So imagine Zelma Neal's surprise when a new bible fell
open to those verses, revealing six $100 bills.

"I squealed.  At first I thought it was play money. ...
But then it dawned, that's real money!" said Neal,
blessed -- so to speak -- during a Sunday school class.

Neal left her bible at home, so she took a new one from
the church library and removed the plastic seal.  The
Bible opened to Daniel 9, which is all about God's
righteousness in the face of human wickedness.

The money will go toward church renovations.
==========

Portland, Oregon:

He's a cross between Lenny and Leno.

Cracking jokes and telling stories, Murray Sidlin, the
Oregon Symphony's new resident conductor, took to the
podium Thursday to lead the Oregon Symphony in a
"Casual Classics" concert at the Arlene Schnitzer
Concert Hall.

Like the late Leonard Bernstein, who took audiences on
his knee to teach them about classical music, Sidlin
has the soul of a teacher and the disposition of
someone who just discovered that double espresso is
better than single.

The program was pure Russian, and musical passions ran
high.

During a discussion of Mikhail Glinka's Overture to
"Russlan and Ludmilla," Sidlin named the evils of
society: "Murder, rape, incest, telemarketing."

Talking about the concert's main work, Modest
Mussorgsky's "Pictures at an Exhibition," he described
the ancient troubadours as a cross between Pete Seeger
and CNN: "Someone who sings the news."

A story about the saxophone solo in the same piece got
a laugh when Sidlin related how the ochestrator --
Maurice Ravel -- wrote the melody for the saxophone's
comfortable middle range.  "Ravel practiced safe..."
Sidlin let the audience fill in the blank.

And when it came time to play Tchaikovsky's popular
"1812 Overture," he signed off this way: "We hope you
enjoy this performance of the '1812 Overture.'  If it's
your first, what planet are you from?"
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 16, 1994

This item comes from Kai Kaltenbach

Washington, District of Columbia:

Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt has reluctantly turned
over a $10 billion gold mine to American Barrick
Resources Inc. for about $10,000.

The Goldstrike mine in the hills of central Nevada is
on about 1,800 acres of federal land, and an 1872
mining law allows the government to charge only $5 an
acre, or less than $10,000, and requires no royalties
on the minerals that are taken.

The company has been seeking full ownership since early
1992 through a "patenting" process outlined in the 1872
law. The law was enacted to foster mining and
development of America's natural resources.
==========

Sarajevo:

Springtime in Sarajevo, and love is in the air.

Vesna Topalovic, the officiating registrar at the
city's shell-damaged city hall, said that the onset of
peace has been accompanied by a sudden increase in the
number of couples wanting to marry.

Sensing the change in the mood, Azra Todolak has
reopened her wedding shop in Basarsca, the battered
Turkish quarter, and reports brisk business, even
though she charges up to $60 to hire one of the white,
silky flouncy dresses in the window: this in a city
where soldiers are paid about $1.20 a month.

"Most people can't afford to keep the dresses, but some
buy the veils or wedding crowns as a momento," she
said.

The increase in marriages, however, has been
outstripped by the demand for divorces.  Tens of
thousands of women and children were allowed to escape
Sarajevo.  Some of the men they left behind found
comfort in the arms of woman who stayed.  They now want
to marry them, but are having trouble finding their
wives to get a divorce, despite appeals for information
through organizations such as the International Red
Cross.
==========

From the Seattle Times column of Jean Godden:
Status: R

Seattle, Washington:

The phone lines lighted up Tuesday at Live Wires, one
of the city's oldest singing-stripper services.

Owner Sharon Galloway took half a dozen "sorry, wrong
number" calls before she began to questioning the
callers.

Turns out they were FBI agents, responding to a group
page.  Someone had punched in a wrong number.  Before
she was through, Galloway fielded 20 calls.  FBI
spokesman Dick Thurston confirms the mistake.

He adds, "A couple of weeks ago, there was a wrong
number: the trauma center at Harborview (Hospital)."
==========

Fast News Forum:

A Syracuse woman told New York Governor Mario Cuomo
that to keep herself calm during speaking engagements,
she imagined Cuomo naked.

A bird dropped a snake over a California power station,
short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour
blackout.

A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior,
told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade
on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he
flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."

Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug
charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her
bus fare home to Texas.

A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after
casing the places while filling out job or rental
applications.  The spree ended after he accidentally
signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.

Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was
unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be
sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary
also.
==========

Wichita, Kansas:

James Kimball had no regrets when a judge last week
sentenced him to 12 1/2 years in prison for a bank
robbery.

That's because the 71-year-old Kimball strolled out of
the bank with $168,000 and into three months of the
high life:  He traveled first class, stayed at fine
hotels, rode in limousines and wore a $7,000 watch and
$2,400 boots.  He even fell in love in Los Angeles --
and discovered he had cancer.

"No matter what they do to me, no matter how long they
keep me in jail or even if I die here, they can't take
away those few months I had," he said from Sedgwick
County Jail.

On June 28, Kimball passed a note to a vice president
at First National Bank of Hutchinson, saying he would
blow up the building if she didn't fill a box with
money.

The heist came just days after Kimball was paroled on a
five-year sentence for forgery and theft.

Authorities describe him as a career petty criminal
who's been in and out of jail from age 15.

On Monday, U.S. District Judge Monti Belot sentenced
Kimball to 150 months in prison and showed little
sympathy for Kimball's hard luck story.

After the bank holdup, Kimball began a cross-country
shopping, gambling and entertainment spree.  In Los
Angeles, a doctor confirmed that he had about two years
to live.

That didn't slow him.  On a Beverly Hills sidewalk,
Penelope Summers fell in love with him, thinking he was
a wealthy, retired rancher.  They spent three months
together.

"I'd come Kansas if they'd release him to me," Summers
said, even after she discovered Kimball had left with
some of her jewelry.

"To see that kind of man in jail, that's killing me,
too.  He's just too classy, too special of a man."

Kimball was arrested in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
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microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 18, 1994

Sofia, Bulgaria:

In an appeal for state funds, Bulgarian opera singers
staged a musical protest, complete with chorus and
orchestra, on the steps of Sofia's main cathedral.

To signify the plight of Bulgaria's most famous art, a
set was erected with two pillars labeled Culture
Ministry and Finance Ministry and linked by a rusty
chain.

The outlook for business sponsorship was said to be
poor.  So are the performers, some of whom reportedly
earn $27 a month, placing them below the poverty line.
==========

Gresham, Oregon:

Aaron Struckman's mother dropped him from a second-
story window early Monday morning to save his life.
The 3-year-old wasn't about to be separated from her
again.

"He's not going to let go of me," said Becky Struckman,
as she marveled that she and Aaron walked away from a
fire that gutted her brother's home.  Aaron kept a
tight grip on his mother during the entire interview.

Mother and son, who were visiting from Spokane, were
sleeping in the upstairs bedroom of the house when the
fire broke out.

With no one else awake, and flames blocking her way
out, Struckman had only one choice.

"I was hanging out the window with my 3-year-old,
shouting, 'Fire, fire, fire,'" she said.  "I must have
shouted it 30 times.

Struckman, 34, woke at least six families who live
along the street.

Jennifer Appel, 19, caught Aaron as Struckman dropped
him from the window.  Tom Addleman ran for his 20-foot
ladder to help the mother down from the window.
==========

New York, New York:

Regal Empress Cruises is giving two Barbra Streisand
tickets, a $250 value, to travelers who pay about
$1,000 for a deluxe cabin on a six-night cruise from
New York to Nassau/the Bahamas beginning May 22.

Billy Joel/Elton John tickets are available for those
paying $500 per person.
==========

Washington, District of Columbia:

Be careful about taking candy from the office of former
Senator Tim Wirth of Colorado.

A group of people whose relatives were killed on Pam Am
flight 103 over Scotland went to Washington recently to
meet with Wirth, who is now the State Department's
counsel.

The group was waiting in Wirth's office when one of the
visitors, a middle-aged woman, reached into a bowl for
a treat wrapped in brightly colored foil.

"I feel like candy," she announced, unwrapped it and
promptly let out a yelp.

She had nearly eaten a condom.
==========

Beijing, China:

China's Disaster Reduction Press has printed a stern
warning to men in search of a new look: Beards are
harmful to health and make you go bald.

"Growing a beard violates the requirements of hygiene,"
the official newspaper said Monday.  "From a health
perspective, beards are not desirable."

The newspaper quoted scientists as saying facial hair
attracts and traps more chemical pollution such as
benzene and ammonia from the atmosphere, causing the
unshaven to breathe dirtier air.

For every one unit of pollution normally taken in,
mustache wearers may breathe as much as 4.2 units,
while those with beards breathe 1.9 units, the
newspaper said.

"Those with both mustaches and beards may breathe as
much as 6.1 units," it said.  "Bearded smokers fare
even worse."

For those still unwilling to shave, the newspaper
provided an added inducement: Beards cause baldness.

Quoting an unidentified French researcher, the Disaster
Reduction Press said beard growth inhibits the body's
ability to shed excess heat:  "This makes the scalp too
hot and affects the function of the brain.  To
compensate, the body drops hair from the head to create
baldness.
==========

Farmer's Branch, Texas:

Customers waiting for car repairs at Swedish Auto
Incorporated now have an alternative to reading old
magazines.

William Signs, owner of the garage, is offering a free
marriage ceremony with any 30,000-mile inspection on
Hondas, Volvos and BMWs.  For the $290 price of the
inspection, he will throw in the cost of being married
by the local justice of the peace, a $25 value.

The inspection comes with a warranty, but there is no
guarantee on the marriage.  Then again, the justice of
the peace, Judge Bob Forman, suggests, "Maybe the car
will break down and the marriage won't."  He says he
hasn't seen anything like this stunt since his days as
a practicing attorney, when a client asked him to draw
up wills for employees in lieu of cash bonuses at
Christmas.

Signs said he got the idea during a trip to Las Vegas,
where he noticed a helicopter operator offering free
marriage ceremonies with the purchase of a deluxe
helicopter ride.  He decided to borrow the concept and
bring some joy to the unhappy business of auto repair.
"Normally people don't get good news" at auto shops, he
adds.

The mechanic isn't concerned about his offer hastening
the nuptials of mismatched partners or cheapening the
institution of marriage.  After all, 30,000-mile
inspections aren't inexpensive.  "They're going to have
to spend almost $300." he says.

If the promotion proves popular, Signs is prepared to
expand it to providing one-size-fits-all tuxedos and
wedding dresses of the type that grooms and brides
easily slip into at high-volume Las Vegas wedding
chapels.  For customers whose marriages fall apart,
Signs is considering another bargain -- an uncontested
divorce after four 30,000-mile inspections, a $100
value.

To advertise the promotion, Signs sent out a mailing to
prospective customers and placed an ad on the side the
shop van.  But the ad began two months ago, and so far
no one has taken Signs up on it.  He has, however,
heard lots of giggles and guffaws from people who call
or stop to ask if the deal is real.

Meanwhile, his own Volvo is approaching another 30,000-
mile point, and he's worried that his girlfriend may
notice and pressure him to cash in on his own offer.
To avoid that, he says he's considering disabling his
odometer.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 20, 1994

Advertisement from the January/February 1994 edition
of "Virtual Reality World" magazine:

TSI presents: The Cybersex Machine" (TM)

A Virtual World of Pleasure For the Open-minded Adult
Without a Companion.

$25,900

Includes: 486 PC -- Super VGA Monitor -- Joystick
Controller -- PC Controlled Genital -- Easy to Use Menu
System to select VR Companion -- Medical Certificate of
Safety and Effectiveness.

Fully Illustrated XXX Catalog & Demo Disk Only $30.

Thinking Software, Incorporated
PO Box 770807
Woodside, NY  11377

"Love, work and knowledge are the well-springs of our
life.  They should also govern it."
==========

Flint, Michigan:

One study shows that up to 7 percent of male college
students have difficulty urinating in public restrooms
because of embarrassment.  Some men are so concerned
that they curtail travel, sports or attending public
events.

Joseph Himle, a social worker in the University of
Michigan's psychiatry department, still hears from a
man he coached on how to urinate in public.  "He had it
real bad," Himle said.  "He'd pretty much discontinued
all recreational travel.  Now I get postcards from him
from all over the world -- Hawaii, the Bahamas, Europe
-- thanking me for helping him to urinate."

Himle compared the problem to "people's fears of giving
speeches and asking for dates," and has treated about
50 men between the ages of 25 and 35.
==========

This item comes from Randy Webb:

San Jose, California:

Winners were named yesterday in the 1994 Bulwer-Lytton
Fiction Contest, an annual tribute to lousy literature
named for the British author who opened his 1830 novel
"Paul Clifford" with the line, "It was a dark and
stormy night."

San Jose State University English Professor Scott Rice
said hacks form every state of the union and six
foreign countries contributed nearly 9000 entries.
Grand prize winner is Larry Brill, an Austin, Texas, TV
anchorman, who claimed he had an unfair advantage
because he writes TV news. His entry:

"As the fading light of a dying day filtered through
the window blinds, Roger stood over his victim with a
smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that filled him
after pumping six slugs into the bloodless tyrant that
had mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out
of the office with one last look back at the shattered
computer terminal lying there like a silicon armadillo
left to rot on the information highway."

Brill's prize is a cheap computer.
==========

Las Vegas, Nevada:

Las Vegas land developer Al Ullom knows a good
opportunity when it knocks.

Prompted by the furor over Singapore's caning of Ohio
teen Michael Fay, Ullom has imported 10,000 genuine,
prison-quality canes from Singapore.

"They're 4 feet by a half-inch," he says.  "And solid.
I told them to make them exactly like the ones they
sell to the prison."

Retail price: $19.95 each.
==========

Dublin, Ireland:

A 27-year-old artist from South Boston has won a
seaside pub in County Cork after demonstrating his
prowess at dart-throwing and drawing a pint of beer.

John Joseph Mulligan, known as Jay, bested nine other
Americans on Monday to win the Connie Doolan pub in
Cobh, 140 miles southwest of Dublin.

"A kid from South Boston is doing pretty well today ...
To be a part of Ireland, where my relatives come from,
is an impossible dream that's come true." the new owner
said in a statement issued by Guiness Brewing, the
contest sponsor.

About 31,000 Americans submitted 50-word essays about
the dark-colored stout to qualify for the competition,
said company spokeswoman Judith Austin.

Ten semi-finalists were flown to Ireland and took part
in a series of contests Monday, including drawing a
pint and dart throwing.

"God knows a job is what I need, so winning suits me
indeed.  This pub would change my life, perhaps
attracting a wife," Mulligan said in the oral
competition.
==========

Warrenton, Virginia:

Getting to Virginia was easy for the 18 geese that
Canadian artist and pilot William Lishman raised from
birth.  All they had to do was follow their mother, the
airplane.

Whether any of the geese would make it back to their
Canadian summer home was what had Lishman fretting for
days, until 10 of them suddenly appeared outside his
door recently.

"They look in great shape," Lishman said.  "I took them
all kinds of goodies to eat, but they'd rather root in
the pond."

Lishman hoped to "imprint" the birds at birth to
believe that an ultralight aircraft was their parent,
then follow the plane south for their winter migration.
Geese, cranes and swans learn their migration routes
from their parents.

If the experiment worked with migratory geese, Lishman
and scientist William Sladen of the Airlie Conference
Center reasoned, the same technique could be used to
restore such rare species as whooping cranes and
trumpeter swans to territories they once occupied.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 23, 1994

This item comes from Denny Silverman:

Littleville, Alabama:

A man lying alongside railroad tracks was struck by a
train that severed his left leg below the knee, a
repeat of a 1986 accident that cost him his right leg.

The train's engineer spotted Terry Mills, 32, along the
tracks Monday with one leg draped over a rail and blew
the horn, but couldn't stop in time, said a spokesman
for the Norfolk Southern Corp. railroad company.

Police said Mills, who is reported to be in stable
condition, had been drinking heavily both times he was
hit.
==========

Hollywood, California:

"Well, I love to swim in the nude, and one day I was in
the pool in Palm Springs when two gatemen looked over
the fence and said, 'Oops, hi, Eva!'  Well, I got out
of that pool, draped a towel around me, and I told
them, 'No, dahling ... it's Zsa Zsa!'"

Eva Gabor on discussing her hobbies and sense of humor.
==========

Adamsburg, Pennsylvania:

A cemetery has agreed to let a car lover share his
eternal parking spot with his beloved 1984 white
Corvette.

The cremated remains of George Swanson will be buried
Wednesday in the driver's seat of his Corvette.
Swanson bought 12 burial plots at Brush Creek Cemetery
to make sure he'd fit.

"George wanted to go out in style, and indeed, now he
will," Swanson's lawyer said Sunday.

Swanson died March 31 at age 71.  But the cemetery
delayed his burial because it was worried about
vandalism and didn't want to offend other clients.  It
relented only after weeks of negotiations.
==========

Washington, District of Columbia:

"President Clinton's defense attorney in the ongoing
Bimbogate Follies is Robert Bennett, brother of William
Bennett, who is a confidant of Rush Limbaugh, who is to
Bill Clinton what a Singapore judge is to a graffiti
artist."

Syndicated columnist and humorist, Mark Russell.
==========

Deerfield, Illinois:

Police snarled rush-hour traffic for hours when they
surrounded a Greyhound bus with sharpshooters,
evacuated and frisked passengers, and fired tear gas to
ferret out a murder suspect who was actually miles
away.

State and Chicago police blamed each other for Friday's
bus fiasco that left thousands of motorists and 40 bus
passengers fuming.

Illinois State Police stopped the Chicago-to-Milwaukee
bus Friday afternoon on one of the Chicago area's
busiest tollways.  Passengers were ordered off one by
one with their arms over their heads, frisked and
herded against a fence.

When everyone -- except the suspect -- was believed to
be out, troopers fired tear gas and stormed the bus
with weapons drawn.

The bus was empty.

The 24-year-old suspect later was arrested 50 miles
away in Milwaukee.
==========

Fast News Forum:

The Fall River, Massachusetts Council of Churches urged
a Providence, Rhode Island, rock station to remove a
billboard declaring its signal has "more power than
God."

Defenders of Wildlife offered to pay a $60 traffic
ticket a Myrtle Beach, South Carolina woman received
for stopping in the middle of a highway to help a
turtle.

A New Jersey man left his car window open while
shopping.  He returned to find about 20,000 bees in his
car, setting up a hive.

A crackdown on speeding in central England caught an
unlikely offender: the officer in charge of the county
police.

Iowa officials dropped a proposal to rent out the
governor's mansion for weddings at $1,000 a pop after
opponents said the idea was tacky and feared rowdy
guests might damage the furniture.

Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia,
Town Council.  He didn't even vote.  But he won with
five write-in votes.
==========

San Francisco, California:

A class-action suit was filed Friday against a
subsidiary of Pfizer Incorporated alleging that
silicone penile implants it markets for impotence are
defective and dangerous.

Attorney Dan Bolton said his firm filed suit against
American Medical Systems Incorporated, the largest U.S.
manufacturer of silicone penile implants.

Implants marketed by American Medical Systems have yet
to be approved as safe and effective by the Food and
Drug Administration and have been the subject of
thousands of complaints, the suit says.  Alleged
dangers include disfigurement, infection, extrusion of
the implant, leakage, multiple failure of the device,
immune problems, scarring, loss of sensation and pain.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for May 25, 1994

This item comes from Chuck Yerkes:

Beijing, China:

The special economic zone of Zhuhai in southern China
is setting up a "Women's Tourist Island" to attract
female travelers, an official newspaper said.

The island, just off Zhuhai near the Portuguese enclave
of Macau, will be "a paradise especially for women,"
the Economic Evening News of Jiangxi province said in
an edition seen in Beijing on Tuesday.

"Women's Tourist Island will reflect all of the special
characteristics of women," the newspaper said.

"It will feature women's records, women's
entertainment, women's mysteries and fairies coming to
earth," the paper said, adding that it would also offer
a holiday village and a duty-free store.

"Tourism officials say the idea of a women's island can
be implemented and will bring in visitors because data
shows that women are far more likely to be tourists
than men," the newspaper said.

It added Zhuhai hoped to have the resort completed by
1995 when China will host a world women's conference.
==========

Angels Camp, California:

A 3-year-old boy with a knack for tickling and giggling
had the winning entry in the county's annual frog-
jumping championship.

Cody Shilts of Roseville, California, won $750 and a
trophy taller than he is at Sunday's Calaveras County
Jumping Frog Jubilee.

The youngest winner of the 66th annual amphibian
contest had little to say.

"He just kept giggling," event spokeswoman Carol Cook
said.

The frog named Free Willy, for the movie whale, totaled
19 feet, 1/2 inch in three hops to win first place, 3/4
of an inch longer than the second-place finisher.

And after all that, Willy is going to be freed.

"We're taking him back to the pond," said Cody's
father, Pete.
==========

Fargo, North Dakota:

A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to
a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's
ability to protect the public.

"Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make
you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point,"
Ken Schwab said Tuesday.

Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him
June 1 at a shooting range.  Each will fire 24 rounds
at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.

The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a
well-known local tax protester and convicted felon
who's not allowed to possess a firearm.
==========

[Note from SuperChef: This item contains more
information concerning an item from Monday's Fast News
Forum]:

Patterson, New Jersey:

When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after
shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of
bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.

Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the
windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in,
followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.

Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray
the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police
bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the
insects into an artificial hive.
==========

Santa Barbara, California:

A man who had recently finished serving a drunken-
driving jail sentence was charged with stealing a
California Highway Patrol cruiser and leading officers
on a high-speed chase.

"Nobody got hurt, and that's an absolute miracle," a
Patrol spokesman said.

A state trooper was taking measurements in the middle
of Highway 154 when Frederick Ochoa jumped into the
cruiser, started the engine and headed north.

Police said Ochoa drove at speeds exceeding 120 MPH
during the 30-mile chase.  He lost control on a curve
and plowed through several road signs before stopping.
==========

Martinez, California:

Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for
county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead
man elected.

Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race,
Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too
late for anyone else to run.

But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the
June 7 nonpartisan primary.  And the incumbent assessor
is working to get him elected.

Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest,
experienced person to this office," said assessor John
Biasotti.

A Hallissy victory would force a special election next
March, open to any candidate.

U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is
backing the posthumous effort.  His spokesman said
voters should have a choice.

Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark
Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical
case of cronyism."  He said his opponents "want the
taxpayer to blow $800,000," about the cost of a special
election.

Kramer also bristled at the charge he's unfit for the
job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez
and as a real estate agent for the county's Public
Works Department.

The assessor's office is responsible for estimating
property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles
east of San Francisco.  The job pays $84,000 a year.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for June 01, 1994

Warrens, Wisconsin:

They came, they saw, they lit up.  And, unlike
President Clinton, they did inhale.

About 1,000 people, three times the population of this
village -- gathered this weekend to celebrate the sixth
annual Weedstock festival, a paean to pot.

Banners proclaimed "Hemp, our premier natural
resource," and "Thank you for smoking pot."

"This is a great time," said Ben Masel, who organized
this year's festival.  "It brings people together, and
it gives us the chance to educate them to the
agricultural benefits of hemp."

Monroe County sheriff's officials said they had made
about 20 drug-related arrests and handed out 78 traffic
citations.
==========

Salt Lake City, Utah:

Do burping bovines contribute to global warming?  In a
continuation of a 1991 study that earned widespread
ridicule, Utah State University researchers hope to
find the answer.

Armed with a $500,000 grant from the Environmental
Protection Agency, Utah scientists plan to round up
rangeland cattle and fit them with special breathing
devices that measure the amount of methane cows release
when they burp.

The new grant lets researchers expand on a $300,000
study that began in 1991 at Washington State University
and was lampooned by editorial cartoonists, talk-show
hosts and other television shows.

Friday, Utah range livestock nutritionist Ken Olson
reiterated the significance of the research.

"Methane produced by cattle appears to be a
consequential factor in global warming," Olson said.
"It's important to find out how much methane livestock
actually produce."

Methane contributes to the so-called greenhouse effect.
==========

Chicago, Illinois:

Police passing out composite drawings of a suspect in
two rapes were stunned when a man matching the
description walked by.

Drake Sanders of Chicago looked like the composite
drawing, was wearing clothing victims described and had
an earring and scar that matched the description.

Sanders was walking past the building where an attack
took place Wednesday.  The first attack was May 10.

Sanders was arrested and held in jail.
=========

Dix Hills, New York:

A driver got a ticket because her passenger was a
dummy.

Amelian Wolff, 58, tried to sneak onto the new carpool
lanes on the Long Island Expressway with a baby doll in
a car seat next to her, police said.

The Suffolk Highway Patrol put the brakes to that idea.
Wolff was pulled over and given a ticket.  She faces up
to a $65 fine.

The carpool lanes, which opened Wednesday on a 12-mile
stretch, are reserved for vehicles with more than one
occupant from 8 AM to 6 PM weekdays.

Officer John Capute said he saw Wolff's car to by
Thursday and noticed a baby seat in the front.  But he
said the seat looked odd, and the driver gave him a
sheepish look.

So he pulled her over, and found that the baby seat
just held a doll, "all dressed, all dolled up, with a
pacifier in its mouth," he said.  "But it didn't look
real at all."
==========

Seattle, Washington:

The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and
atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a
mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each
night about a month ago, a wind that started about
sunset and ended at dawn.

Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is
almost too accurate for its own good:  It was detecting
no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands
of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.
==========

Spokane, Washington:

They say one person's trash is another's treasure, but
garbage collector Joel Forrester didn't get to keep the
money he found very long.

Last week, when the Valley Garbage Service driver
pulled the lever on the garbage truck's trash
compactor, an envelope burst open and $100 bills
floated out.

He telephoned his supervisor, Jerry Camia, who asked
how much money they were talking about.

Forrester paused, counted a fistful of bills and said,
"I've got $2,000 in my hands right now."

Camia told Forrester not to go anywhere.

"We had no idea where this money came from.  It was
just there," Dewey Strauss, president of the garbage
service, said Friday.

Word traveled fast.  Secret Service agents arrived to
make sure the bills were not counterfeit.  Trash
haulers picking through the garbage kept coming up with
more and more money.

Before they could finish counting, a customer called
and said she had accidentally thrown out $40,000 with
her morning's garbage.

She said the money had been kept in envelopes in a
wastebasket at a family home and had been inadvertently
tossed by relatives cleaning the house, the unidentified
woman said.

"We recovered $39,980," Strauss said.  "We were short
20 bucks."

Forrester's honesty, however, didn't even earn him a
reward.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for June 03, 1994

This item comes by way of Chuck Yerkes:

Beijing, China:

A planned Chinese resort called Longevity Town thinks
its secret for long life: fresh air, a good diet and
special sex, will be good for business too.

Local lore in southwestern Sichuan province's Pengshan
county has it that a Chinese Methuselah named Pengzu
who lived 800 years ago "left behind many clues to
longevity."

The long-life secrets will be revealed to tourists once
Longevity Town opens, Xinhua news agency said on
Friday.

Pengzu's clues to longevity include deep breathing
exercises, special tonics and nourishing food, "and a
system of sexual practices" whose characteristics were
not disclosed.

Hundreds of thousands of people flock to Pengshan to
visit Pengzu's tomb on Fairy Maiden Mountain each year.
It was the tourist interest that sparked the idea of a
long-life spa.

Longevity Town's 10 villages will cater to varying
tastes, including Village of Longevity Folkways, Garden
of Longevity and, for well-heeled oldsters from abroad,
the Garden of Overseas Longevity Folkways.

The number of centenarians in Pengshan is said to be 17
times the national average. Its oldest resident is 110-
year-old Xie Hongxing, a blind storyteller.
==========

Fort Worth, Texas:

Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he
shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a
policeman and was running away.

His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7
million for his wounds.

But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay --
$1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl.
Randy Whisenhunt's injuries.

"We just wanted to make a statement.  We're tired of
the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court
system," juror Elsie Bowles said.

February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for
Whisenhunt's gun.  The officer managed to knock it
away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest,
beating his face.

Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes
to the gun.  As Puentes began to run, Lively said he
shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in
the legs.
==========

Los Angeles, California:

"Evolution isn't a terrible thing.  All you have to do
is look at a poodle.  Poodles are descended from wolves.
But they've progressed.  They know the importance of a
good haircut."

Barbara Graham, author of the self-help book parody,
"Women Who Run With the Poodles."
==========

Washington, District of Columbia:

The Paging Services Council in Washington has awarded a
creative-use prize to a Texas martial-arts student who
drops to the ground and executes 50 pushups whenever
his instructor beeps him the command.
==========

Flint, Michigan:

A psoriasis patient undergoing tar, steroid and
ultraviolet light treatments for the skin condition
burst into flame when he lit up a cigarette, doctors
say.

The man was smoking in the hospital courtyard when
flames appeared at the top of his chest and spread to
form a small ring of fire encircling his neck, two
doctors reported in the latest issue of the New England
Journal of Medicine.

The patient quickly put the flames out and suffered no
injuries, they said.

Darrell Fader and Michael Metzman of the University of
Michigan said the tar extract used in many medical
centers for skin problems contains five percent to 15
percent alcohol, a potentially flammable concoction.
==========

Moscow, Russia:

First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet.  Then 30
seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training
device.

Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a
Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.

Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry
since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a
new fad: military tourism.

The only requirements are a taste for adventure and
plenty of cash.

The state-owned ITAR-Tass news agency says a Japanese
travel agent, Sadaaki Matsui, will sell rides in a
Russian navy Kilo-class, diesel-powered submarine
beginning this fall.

A six-hour trip under the Baltic Sea near the port of
Kronstadt, near St. Petersburg, will cost $5,000, it
said.

The announcement was fuzzy about how exactly the tour
operators are getting their hands on a 2,500-ton
submarine that carries 21 torpedoes.

In the future, Matsui's travel agency, Jes, plans to
offer voyages on a Russian missile-carrying warship and
a journey in a tank.

He said he got the idea from a Russian company that
offers flights on supersonic MiG fighter jets for
$6,500 and up.

Earlier this month, the Russian space agency allowed
one of its three cosmonaut-training planes, a specially
configured Ilyushin-76, to take some tourists and
journalists for a ride.

As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet,
passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly
rise from the aircraft's floor.

The price for floating free for half a minute: $4,000.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for June 06, 1994

Taipei, Taiwan:

Taiwan women legislators screamed, traded slaps and
kicks and pulled each other's hair in a fight during a
National Assembly Friday.

Su Chih-yang of the Democratic Progressive Party walked
up to the rostrum and slapped Kuo Suchun of the ruling
Nationalist Party whom she accused of insinuating that
she had sat immodestly.

The slap triggered a brawl in the assembly.

Nationalist Deputy Lin Chang-ju rushed to Kuo's rescue
and jumped on Su.  The two women grabbed each other's
hair and repeatedly slapped each other in the face
while Kuo stood by stunned and broke into tears.

Two other woman deputies joined the fracas, trading
kicks and wrestling.

Su had earlier demanded an apology from two male
Nationalist deputies for peeking at her underwear when
she was staging a sit-down protest in front of the
podium in the assembly Tuesday.

Kuo later insinuated that Su had invited the attention
of the men by wearing a short skirt.  "As a woman, one
should be cautious about what one wears and how one
acts," Kuo told the assembly before she was slapped.

The Nationalist leadership demanded that Su be barred
from attending the remainder of the assembly's three-
month session, which ends in July.

A tearful Kuo told a news conference she would sue Su
for publicly insulting her.

The incident ended when one of the deputies who
allegedly had looked at Su's panties apologized to the
nation.
==========

Moscow, Russia:

In Russia, where pensions haven't kept pace with
inflation and many elderly people struggle to pay for
basics, two retirees collapsed when they saw a sign in
a bread shop that mistakenly tripled the price of
loaves of bread.

The pensioners were revived by first aid.
==========

Sydney, Australia:

When you think of rock music, what name leaps
immediately to mind?

Why, Tiny Tim, right?

You think we're joking here.  Well, maybe yes, maybe no.

Born Herbert Khaury 61 years ago in New York City, Tiny
Tim became a star (of sorts) in the late 1960s, appearing
frequently on "The Tonight Show" and "Laugh-In" and
scoring an unlikely Top 20 hit in 1968 with "Tiptoe
through the Tulips."  His quavering falsetto, stringy
long hair and ukulele-strumming vaudeville-style act
were, if nothing else, unmistakable.

For the most part, his repertoire is composed of turn-
of-the-century pop songs and other musical curios.  But
an Australian label called Festival Records has issued
a new Tiny Tim album titled "Rock" that puts a
different spin on his image.  Backed by an Aussie hard
rock band, Tiny does covers of AC/DC's "Highway to
Hell," Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell," Bon Jovi's "You Give
Love a Bad Name," a 20-minute medley of rock 'n' roll
oldies from the '50s, and a 23-minute version of "Eve
of Destruction."

The record is available on CD only and only as an
import.  Consult your local record store for
information.
==========

Augusta, Maine:

Twelve-year-old Vicki Van Meter soared up and away
Sunday in a bid to cross the Atlantic in Amelia
Earhart's path.

Though not old enough to drive a car, Vicki took off
from Augusta State Airport, circled about 200 well-
wishers below and dipped her wings before heading
toward her first stop, Newfoundland, Canada.

Her flight instructor is on board because she is too
young to fly alone.

"If you put your mind to it you can accomplish
anything," the sixth-grader from Meadville,
Pennsylvania, said before saying good-bye to her
parents and climbing into the cockpit of the single-
engine plane, "Harmony."

The aspiring astronaut is following the flight path
similar to Earhart's when she became the first woman to
fly solo about 2,200 miles across the Atlantic in 1932.
Earhart took off from Waterville, about 20 miles from
Augusta.

After Canada, Vicki plans stops in Greenland and
Iceland before reaching Scotland on Tuesday evening.
Stops in England, France, Belgium and Germany are also
planned.

Vicki took off from Augusta airport last September for
a trip that made her the youngest girl to make a
transcontinental flight.  The four-leg trip ended in
San Diego.

Vicki brought along on the Atlantic flight several
donated good-luck tokens, including a key chain,
necklace, cigar and photograph.

Students from an elementary school in Somerville asked
her to deliver a letter in Britain to millionaire
businessman Richard Branson, who in 1987 made the first
trans-Atlantic crossing in a hot-air balloon.

Proclamations honoring the young flier were delivered
from vice-president Al Gore and Maine's top
politician's before a ceremony at the airport.  Sunday
was declared Vicki Van Meter Day in Maine's capitol.
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

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WhiteBoard News for June 22, 1994

This item comes from Bruce Cronquist:

Tehran, Iran:

For the first time since the revolution in the
seventies, the World Cup soccer match is being shown in
Iran.  The shots of the players are live.  However, the
shots of the fans in the stands are dubbed in...from
the Winter Olympics.

The Islamic religion, which frowns on the showing of
too much skin, is concerned over what the fans might,
or might not, be wearing.  By dubbing in the Winter
Olympics shots, every fan is wearing a coat and hat.
Problem solved.
==========

This issue of Fast News Forum is also brought to us by
way of Bruce Cronquist:

Fast News Forum:

Every day, an average of four people call the Graceland
mansion in Memphis, Tennessee, and ask to speak to
Elvis Presley.

Passengers in first class on an airliner get 50 cubic
feet of fresh air per minute.  Those in economy class
get 7 cubic feet.

Six percent of traveling dog owners take their animals
with them on vacation versus one percent of cat owners.
Gerbils, however, get brought along just one-tenth of
one percent of the time.
==========

This item comes from Randy Ivey who feels this should
be entered into the WhiteBoard News Least Competent
Person Contest:

Fort Worth, Texas,

Police arrested Philip G. Rojo, 24, in April after they
had stopped his car at a roadblock because he was not
wearing a seat belt.

The police said they began backing away from the car
when they spied three silver pipelike packages on the
floor, telling Rojo they feared the packages were pipe
bombs.

Reportedly, Rojo tried to reassure the police and
blurted out, "Man, that ain't no pipe bomb, that's
cocaine."
==========

Roseburg, Oregon:

Leapin' lizards, Batman, this could be the work of the
Joker!

Call it a case of the practical joker or, like the
Douglas County sheriff's office says, a "found
property" incident.  Victim David Gass calls it just
plain puzzling.

One morning last week, his wife got up to go to work as
usual, at 2:45 AM.  What she and David found in their
front yard left them amazed, curious and even a little
worried.

The yard, pretty much empty when they went to bed, was
littered with lawn ornaments they'd never seen before.

The array included pink flamingos, a black-and-white
spotted cow planter, three sunflower windmills, a
birdbath, a bent-over woman, a wooden windmill, a real
estate sign, three geese, three chicks and a
woodpecker, according to a deputy sheriff's list.

The vandals, if that's the right word, left the
ornaments despite a shining front porch light, Gass
said.  He and his wife sleep in the back of the house,
but his son, whose bedroom is in the front, never heard
a thing.

Deputies, who came and retrieved the ornaments, said
some had been reported missing by their owners.  "Maybe
it's a practical joke on the people who owned them,"
said the mystified Gass.
==========

Portland, Oregon:

Tonya Harding knows high drama.  So it's no surprise
her next stop is Hollywood.

The skater is taking the role of "a feisty waitress who
makes off accidentally with the mob's money," says Sean
Dash, making his directing debut with the low-budge
action film "Breakaway."

Harding picked this script "over many others because it
looked fun ... and she didn't want to be involved with
a drug-related (plot)," says her manager, Merrill
Eichenberger, adding, "with her being so agile and all,
she could be a pretty good action star."

Is Dash, a screenwriter, nervous about directing
Harding?  "I don't think it'll be a problem.  After
all, she's been taking directions from coaches for
years."

Still, Dash is a little stunned that his "B" movie --
filming in July and due to be released directly to
video by November -- nabbed "a woman who was at the
center of the biggest story of the Winter Olympics."
==========

San Diego, California:

Fantasies about cuddly newborn babies rarely include
their mind-numbing, nerve-rattling, non-stop crying.

Rick and Mary Jurmain hope that unpleasant trait can
convince teens to avoid pregnancy.

The San Diego couple has created Baby Think It Over, a
10-pound, battery-powered, squishy-faced baby doll that
looks -- and cries -- just like the real thing.

The doll contains electronics that make it cry "at
random, but realistic intervals, simulating a baby's
sleeping and waking patterns to its demand for food,"
says Rich Jurmain, a laid-off aerospace engineer and
father of two.

The cries can only be stopped by "feeding" the baby --
turning a key attached by a tamper-proof hospital
bracelet to the teen assigned as the baby's parent.
The key has to be cut from the bracelet to give it to
anyone else.

An optional monitor inside the doll tracks how long it
cries, records harsh handling and allows the sleep
cycle to be adjusted to reflect a contented baby or a
cranky baby.

The anatomically correct doll also comes as a "drug-
addicted" version, complete with "higher pitch,
worbling cry."
==========

Chow
SuperChef
WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef

To subscribe please email:
JoeHa (Joseph Harper)
joeha@microsoft.com
microsoft!joeha@uunet.uu.net

